Matsuma's Diary

A Message To Myself

I know no one would read this anymore. I try not to be hopeful about people I'm close with to read this anymore. Thus, this is a message to myself, the only person I know who would come by once in a while to see how I was really like in the past in which I had forgotten.

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I started this book with a hopeful beginning. I had lessons to share, stories to be told, experiences to be expressed... Things did not work out the way I wanted to. Before I knew it, there was a large rip in the book that no one could predict. Instead of a hopeful beginning of being happy, it was a portal to hell where it felt like a happy ending does not exist.

Years went by. As young as I am, I did not have enough knowledge which ones were killing me from the inside and which ones were actually beneficial. Unbeknownst to me, I had switched them up because of the twisted norm that was presented to me in a silver platter. Pain was pleasure, kindness meant they needed something, insults were jokes, my feelings did not matter. I felt like I was being suffocated by clean air that I did not deserved.

It was not until I met a lot more people did I realize that there are more sides than plain black and white. I had looked back at the past more times than deemed healthy, and, like shocks in an electric chair, always strike me down until I was unable to move. I know it is bad for me to always look at the shadow that I step on, but I can't help but search for things that I had forgotten, not thinking that I had forgotten about it because I wanted to.

I feel stupid for preaching about friends and feelings and misunderstandings and conflicts. I had less knowledge about the world than a penny, but I had the audacity to even try. Even so, I was a child. I had high hopes. I just didn't expect my hopes to be crushed down like a flower petal as soon as I built a ladder.

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Through the years, I got far from where I had initially stood. Ups and downs, rollercoasters, everything was a mess ever since I made a mess out of it. Sometimes, it just becomes too much to clean, and you don't have any other choice but to learn to live with it.

Loss doesn't always equal to gain as gain does not equal to loss. I had lost a lot of things, some I regret, and some I feel relieved about. But that doesn't give life the obligation to give me something else in return. I know I have more than I deserve, but it's good to yearn. Not everything will be served to you.

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Because of my messy forgotten past, I want to become better. For myself, for someone else's sake, for literally everything else.

I broke myself too much to continue breaking. I was way past my limit in which I could take. Instead of breaking myself, I tried repairing. Some parts can not be repaired, and that's fine. There are spare parts waiting to be chosen.

People may berate me for trying to make myself better when I had selfishly destroyed others. They may get mad at how I handle my life as if I was not worthy of being good. They may say that a devil like me did not deserve to be out of hell... and I might agree with them.

I had stopped asking for forgiveness. It is now their choice to forgive me or not. I had stopped asking for closure. For if cutting off all contact with me can be said as closure, then so be it.

I know I had been someone who destroyed more than one life. I had destroyed others' life, and my own... Trying to be a saint and insisting that I had nothing to do with the lives I destroyed would be in vain.

As I learn about myself, I also learn about others-- everything about why's and how's. Why I had done those, how I acted, why their thoughts are like that, and how they reacted...

If cutting me off from their lives is the best decision/option that they could do at that moment, I should respect that. There are just some broken things that could never be repaired anymore.

Right now, my main focus is me. Myself, not me from the past nor me in the future. I want to be better, and I will strive to be.

Sometimes, I wish I could just erase the past and start over again, but how many times did I already do that?

Maybe I should just leave it be. Maybe I should learn to accept and acknowledge my mistakes. Maybe then, maybe then... should I finally be at peace with myself...