Matsuma's Diary

Depression

Hey, what is depression for you? Is it like those people that say they're depressed when their favorite movie show got cancelled? Is it like those people that say they're depressed when their boyfriend/girlfriend broke up with them? Is it like those people that use depression as an excuse to get away with everything? Is it like those people that think depression is mainly being sad? I got news for you, buddy. It's fucking NOT!

I don't know how much a 13-year old should know about these things, but believe me, I do. I was always so excited when talking about psychology because why not? It's interesting and unpredictable. You won't say for sure that someone has this kind of disorder just by observing him for a minute. It takes minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, YEARS for who knows what. You don't just suddenly decide that "hmm... This kid seems strange. He has hallucinations and delusions. He definitely has a mental disorder!" And then it turns out, it has been just a normal child's imagination, you jerk. Or better yet, he was just imitating something from a TV show.

It's sickening to the core how people would confuse a disorder with something generic. It's like confusing a fever for Ebola, it's like confusing dengue for malaria, it's like confusing cough for tuberculosis, it's like confusing a vagina for a urethra, it's like confusing peeing and menstruating, it's like-- geez, you get the point.

It's so complicated yet they thought it was just that simple.

"Oh, you're sad? You're probably depressed." (Just plainly sad)

"Oh, you don't want to hang out with people? Geez, why do you have to have social anxiety?" (Just shy)

"Oh haha, you worry too much about asymmetry. You definitely have OCD!" (It's just irritating to look at)

"What kind of things you are imagining? You are hallucinating!" (It's just creative imagination)

"Why are you being so moody? You are so bipolar!" (Just having mood swings)

"Hey dude, concentrate! You have some severe ADD right there hahaha." (Just easily distracted)

"Geez, stop thinking like that, you're messing everyone up. Just think of happy thoughts." (Don't you get it? There are no happy thoughts to think about.)

"It's all in your head. Just stop thinking." ("It's all in your lungs. Just stop breathing.")

Again, you get the point.

Plus, a lot of people bully and make fun of the people who has mental disorders. In my school (a Christian school), it isn't safe from bullies. I already mentioned how all of them were sinners and they weren't completely washed off from their sins... just like how I wasn't washed off from my uncontrollable thoughts and emotions. A lot really bully this one kid that doesn't quite fit in. I am really irritated with him too, so I try to avoid him as much as I can. If he ever talks about SDA again, I'll slit his throat and burn his head, clog the toilets with all his chopped up body parts and stop coming to school altogether. See, even if I were to attend a Christian school, I can't just stop myself from having these impure thoughts~~

Same goes for bullying there. They take mental disorders or any type of imperfections too lightly. They have such innocent minds that I sometimes wonder where they are right now. Are they still in the Christian school or back to the old public school?

As I was saying (I keep getting out of topic), mental disorders aren't simple.

I am talking about this because I have been allegedly experiencing depression. I once thought that depression wouldn't last that long and I have my own episodes of depression that doesn't last for long. Like, maybe half a day. But now, I feel different...

It started 3 days ago, March 19, I was on the bus going back from visiting my family when suddenly, I noticed something was wrong. It was bothering me so I typed it in my notes app. I mentioned there, it stated "lately". So I have been experiencing the signs, even before I go and notice them. I don't know when but it stated "lately". But "lately", I was just having fun with my family because of my cousin's birthday party and then now, I just had to go and deal with this shit. Basically, it bothered me to the point that I wrote about it! I do say I experience non-lasting depression episodes, but this has been going on for how many days! And I still haven't gotten out of it!

It was bothering me as I wake up, it was bothering me as I sleep, it was bothering me as I do my usual things, it has been just so irritating!!!

I haven't experienced this before, but now that I have, I wondered how many people are also itching to get rid of something that has been bothering them for quite some time.

I think of thoughts that I wouldn't normally think about, I feel like I'm in a visual novel whereas I need to pick a choice soon or else I'll have to lose them, I say things I normally wouldn't, I do things I normally wouldn't, I experience things I normally wouldn't...

Why, of all times, should I feel this?

Kill me. Bury me. Kill yourself. Hate me. Leave me. Do everything you want to me. I'm just a worthless piece of trash... no, not even trash can describe my worth in Earth. I'm a big pile of useless rotting banana peel, a fruit peel!

Feeling of self-pity, neglecting my own health despite being so weak in the first place, purposely destroying my life without anyone noticing, isn't life just so wonderful?!

Is this what you were talking about when you talk about depression?

It seems to me that you need to research more. You deserve to experience such a disorder if you don't even know what you're talking about!!!

Who says getting depressed is just being sad?! If you're sad, you cry, and then suddenly, all the pain will go away after some comforting. Depression wouldn't go away that easily! No matter how much you cry, no matter how much comforting you do, if you don't treat that person as special, you will lose someone. You killed that person (directly when talking about emotionally and indirectly when talking about physically)...

So please... on behalf of all the depressed people there, on behalf of all the people who has mental disorders, please treat them as you treat others. Make them feel as though they aren't that different and they should still be accepted in this world. Don't treat them as they treat themselves. Don't encourage them to think about themselves as worthless. Don't joke around when they are being serious. They are suffering more than you do...