Matsuma's Diary

New Year, New Hope

"New hope for a new beginning..."

Happy New Year 2019!

I don't know just how long I have been thinking about him. He always goes over my mind. I couldn't forget about him, despite forgetting everything and everyone else. "Ignorance is bliss." So maybe that's why I threw my memories of the past and just focused on the present to make myself happy. I know I couldn't go on, always thinking back, but I can't help it since I wanted to know myself better. Despite my memories being mostly painful as I look back, I had overlooked memories of being happy, and just why I was so broken that it was taken away from me.

I thought my memories are all painful since that was the only thing I could see from knowing about my past. Knowing this, I decided to make a sad edit on how everything crashed and burned right in front of my eyes.

But it wasn't like that at all...

It was never how I saw it. Because the truth is, everything was my fault and I refused to believe it. I even acted like a victim.

For the most part, I had forgotten everything and maybe they think that I was a bad person too (I was) so they cut their ties with me. But the only person that I cared about so much that I actually reflected my actions... was him.

Carlos.

Looking back, it was clear. Anyone would see the one who was at fault.

It was me. It was me all along.

But it's no use just regretting my past actions right? All I can do is move forward, no matter what. I don't remember any other serious New Year's Resolution I had my whole lifetime, so this must be a first.

I wanted to be his friend again, I wanted to talk to him again, like the good old days.

And it's not just because I'm selfish and wanted him to accept me and validate my existence, I really, really wanted to apologize to him for what I've done because I was being an utter asshole. I couldn't word it any other way...

"I'm sorry"s isn't enough to satisfy me. I want to treat him or maybe just meet him personally again. As he said before, it's different when one is talking personally and in chat. And I wanted to face him, to see how he's been doing, and if he still wants to reconcile.

I know I might be hopeless, but right now, it's my New Year's Resolution and I'm not going to be swept away by some trivial thing like hopelessness. Actually, it's starting to get fun bugging him.

This is a new year, a new hope, a new beginning. A new chance to fix everything I've left broken...

Including me.