Matsuma's Diary

Low self-esteem

I was raised following every orders that the elders tell me to...except my older sister. I usually don't care about quality nor quantity of the orders they put me through.

But one thing's for sure. If I like something so much that I make effort for it, I would expect a high result. I don't want to be let down by myself.

Low self-esteem. That's me. No self-confidence. That's also me. I don't remember when I started prioritizing what other people think about me. Is it when I was so afraid of my sister if I make a mistake? That she will endlessly make fun of that single mistake until the day ends? I really don't remember...

Well, whatever it started from, I kept on doing it. My eyes on the book, reading and understanding the words too quickly. I don't want to recite because the answer's just right there on the freaking book and they don't even bother to read it! Like, I don't get their struggle. Not to brag or anything but, the teacher asks a question that can be answered with a simple sentence in the book! Do you know how to read or what?! Seriously, I feel idiots surrounding me...

Despite this fact, I still have a very low self-esteem and 0% self-confidence of myself. For business, this is unacceptable, but with a simple students like me, this can be tolerated at least.

I have a classmate named Carlos (real name). Our "friendship" (like I can call it like that) started when we were grade 2. I was really drunk when I was grade 1 and recklessly told him that he was my crush. Oh, if only I could kill myself when I was younger... Anyway, since then, we became enemies. He hates me because I liked him, I hate him because he hates me because I liked him. That kind of "friendship."

I gradually started to have fun with him. I treat his insults as jokes and paid no attention to them. There were times where I have enough because I'm already in a bad mood and he'll pop out of nowhere, trying to pick a fight.

So, I'm talking about the present here. That's enough for the past, I don't like returning to the past (because of personal reasons).

Around this time, I treat his insults as pure insults. I get offended easily so I storm off more often than before. Sometimes, I hold back my tears, trying so hard to keep the straight face... That's when I storm off, because I don't know how to deal with my tears if I don't...

Screw it, screw it, SCREW IT ALL!! "HE" is one of the main reasons why I have low self-esteem. If ever I'll freaking make a single non-sensical mistake, he'll freaking make a big deal about it. I'm not freaking perfect, ok?! Shut your big mouth up and be considerate for a while!!

That goes for everyone around my life, the highlights are-- my family and this little stupid thing right here named Car(-freaking-)los!! Without him, I can be so confident, without him, I can live my life to the way I want to and not being bound into freaking chains that I cannot even remove! WITHOUT HIM, MY WHOLE FREAKING LIFE WILL BE MUCH BETTER!!!! I WISH HE NEVER EXISTED!!

I don't know what reason you were expecting when I asked for the reason for my low self-esteem. I don't feel sad about the reason for it. Instead, it's a blood-boiling reason...

And until now, seeing that he's still here in this freaking school, I cannot redeem my self-esteem.

I despise him...