Remember

Chapter 4: My Aching Heart

Hello, everyone! Here is the next update. This was a hard chapter to write and I hope that you enjoy. Please read, comment, and/or vote to help me improve! Thanks and have a great holiday!

The nightmares hadn't stopped. For the past two weeks, I have had a nightmare every single night without fail. I'd had insomnia in the past, but it was nothing like this. The feelings and images that were invoked by these nightmares were more like memories than my imagination. I could not escape them. The most recent nightmares had begun to invade my waking hours, flashbacks to them hit me at random times. I could not understand it. Why now of all times?

After each nightmare or flashback, the emotional aching in my chest grew stronger. I did not understand it, it was as if my heart was being devoured at each moment.

I was not a huge fan of makeup, a little mascara, and eye shadow and I was good to go, but I have turned to concealer to hide the monstrous bags that had developed under my eyes from lack of sleep.

I could barely choke down food, even Olivia's delicious cooking had to almost be force fed to me. Yet she always made sure that I ate something.

And then there was Noah and Janus. Ever since I overheard their conversation regarding me that day I had completely avoided them. I did not spare as much as a glance in their direction. I knew that it was the right thing to do, I couldn't let them hurt me, but doing so felt as if I was ripping my heart into pieces. Originally they had tried to approach me but Olivia or Dylan intercepted them to stop them.

Even the thought of my best friend Dylan could not bring a smile to me. We had been friends ever since tenth grade when I kicked his butt in a sparring match. He had transferred to Penn State at the beginning of the semester but we had not met up until a few days after classes started. He had missed the original Noah and Janus drama but was happy to step in to stop their repeated advances.

I had just had another nightmare. In this one, I had been standing in front of a man, the sounds of battle echoed around us. The snarls and howls of wolves mixed with the screams and yells of humans as both kinds fought for each side. The din of battle faded as I faced down the man in front of me. The fight was long and painful, I could remember every single punch that was thrown, feel every bruise, taste the blood. Finally, I delivered the killing blow, the man fell dead at my feet. A sense of sadness invaded me but it was outweighed by the sense of duty I had to protect the others in the battle around me. I was bounding off to join the fight when I woke up. My body shivered as I felt the sensations as I killed the man. In my dream, I knew that I did not regret killing him, and if I had to do it again I would.

I pushed myself to run faster into the dark path that threaded its way through the forest as if I could run away from the pain that resided inside of me, from the things that I did and felt in my nightmares.

I continued to run, pushing myself past the brink of exhaustion. Finally, I tripped over a root, sending me sprawling to the ground. My muscles quivered, refusing to allow me to stand back up, to lose myself into the pain again. As I lay there on the ground, collapsed in exhaustion, the tears that I had not yet let fall began to. I did not cry, I sobbed. I sobbed for the unrelenting ache in my chest, for the lack of belonging that I always felt, for the constant nightmares, for the girl who lost her innocence to a monster, for the people that I had trusted who betrayed me, for the complex web of lies that I saw woven around me. I sobbed for it all.

All of a sudden my body felt weightless. It was then that I knew the world of dreams had claimed me once more.

I saw Janus's face as he knelt beside me, slowly rolling me over to check my body for injuries. I heard him murmuring to me as he apologized for what had happened, for not being there to stop me from hurting myself, for all of the pain that I felt. He was shaking his head.

He kept repeating himself, "It's all my fault. I cannot protect her. What's wrong with me? Why can I not stop her pain? It is all my fault!" His normally brilliant emerald green eyes now appeared golden in the light of my dream.

Slowly he lifted me up into his arms, cradling me to his chest, holding me close. I felt protected there, for once in my life the aching in my chest lessened, I felt like I was exactly where I needed to be.

He continued to mumble as he began to carry me, "If only you would have heard the last part of that conversation, just like I am hers. That is what I said. It would not have fixed it, but maybe this would not have happened. You prideful, prideful girl. You are mine, yes, but I am also yours." He let out a strangled gasp. "She will never forgive me for letting this happen to her."

For some reason the desperation and pain in his tone stirred something deep inside of me, I wanted to make it end, to stop the pain. "There is nothing to forgive," I whispered to him softly, my hand coming to a rest on his broad chest.

His golden eyes flashed up with love and hope, "Do you really mean that?" He was hesitant, as if what I was saying was too good to actually be true.

I smiled, "Of course. This is just a dream after all." I felt the muscles in his chest contract as I said this and his expression morphed into pure panic.

The last thing I saw before my dream faded into darkness was Janus's panicked expression, him begging me to hold on a little bit longer, for his sake, for there was no way that he could live without me.