Remember

Chapter 31: Nothing But Pain

"About what exactly?" I asked, my tone level yet brisk.

Lewis snorted. "Don't give me that bull. I know you Asteria. You are so conflicted and confused right now. You feel alone, and you are pushing away the only people that can help you." He stepped closer to me with every word he took, daring me to deny it.

"You are destroying those around you." He whispered callously. Almost as an afterthought he added. "And I thought that I was the one who destroyed everything I touched."

By the time he was done he was inches away from my face, daring me to lash out at him. I met his predatory gaze with one of my own. "And how am I supposed to trust those I know barely anything about?" I asked condescendingly, rubbing in the fact that he refused to tell me almost anything about him.

He leaned back, letting out another dry chuckle. "Well played Asteria. Deflect one problem with another." He tauntingly clapped his hands at me.

"While we are on the whole 'lets trust no one' bandwagon, how do I know that I can trust you? How do I know that you are the one who can't be trusted. I mean a little birdy told me that within minutes of finding out that you were a Lycan, for the second time, you killed both of your friends."

I couldn't take it anymore. I let out a snarl at him, my beast rising out of the chains I had wrapped around it.

Lewis chuckled again, his expression dark. "Don't worry, it wasn't your mate that told me that."

I snarled at him again. "He isn't my mate."

Lewis snorted, "Of course not, he is the one that you are connected with but will not accept." He replied in disgust and disbelief.

I ran my fingers through my hair, pulling some of it out of the braid. "You don't understand." I whispered, unable to hide the torture that I felt.

"Don't I now?" Lewis taunted, "I mean you just think that having a mate will cramp your style so you don't want one."

"It's not like that!" I yelled at him, standing up. My body was trembling in rage, it was as if my anger was a inferno burning through me. "I can't risk that pain again. I will take it now as opposed to that soul wrenching agony that will come later." The words fell from my lips like a waterfall, and much like a force of nature they just kept coming.

"Later on it will sneak in when I am so filled with love and believe that nothing can possibly go wrong. That's when it will come. It will come so silently that I will never see it coming, like a shadow in the night. It's only when it is too late that I will realize the truth, that I have lost everything. Everything and everyone that I love will be gone, and there will be nothing that I can do.

The only thing to do will be to ride that wave of grief and anger and agony. And when I arrive on the hard, dry sand, I will be a different person once more, a wiser one. And once more, I will know the true cost of love, and I will swear that I will never again fall so easily into its barbed grasp.

Because I know, a little heartbreak now can never compare to the indescribable agony that will come later on. And to be honest, I don't think that I can survive that wave another time."

I was panting from exhaustion. It felt like I had run a marathon, not do something so simple as to tell the truth. But sometimes it is the simple things that are the hardest to do, because I forget to. I forget what it is like to tell the truth, to trust someone, to love someone. And as a result I close myself off, building up walls like Troy, in order to protect myself. And after a while, I couldn't bring down my walls even if I tried. I need that one person who is willing to take a shot, willing to make a dent, because that dent will grow. It will create cracks, leading to fissures, and eventually the walls will crumble, leaving me open to the world.