Rude ~ Phan

I shouldn't want

Back to Dan's POV
TRIGGER WARNING: cutting
please don't read if you get easily triggered

Phil hasn't been on in a while. He hasn't posted a video or gotten on any social medias. I couldn't help but feel like this was all my fault. I was the one who kept annoying him and tweeting him. Jesus Christ I am so stupid.

Maybe there's actually something wrong with him? I always tend to think the worst, either I caused it or he is in the hospital.

Maybe he broke his arms and can't do anything? Maybe he broke his thumbs? Maybe he was just too lazy to please his fans?

Maybe- Jesus Dan stop with all the maybes. I was obsessed with the boy for fucks sake. I might also have a slight crush on him. Ugh life is so confusing.

I couldn't help worrying about him. What should I do?

Binge watch his videos? Sounds perfect. It takes my mind off of everything and it makes me happy.

~

Amazingphil: Phil is currently in the hospital, he isn't allowed on any technology until he recovers completely. He'll be good to go soon -his friend

I was pulled out of the hot water of Phil's videos and pushed into the freezing cold water of that tweet. I couldn't believe that I had been right with all my worries. He was in the hospital and I don't know why.

The tweet says that he's all right but what if they're just trying to stop us from worrying? It obviously isn't working! It's making me worry more.

There's nothing I can do at all. He was rude to me and rejected all attempts at a friendship and now all that he thinks of me is an annoying twat who doesn't know how to give up. What if he dies?

I should really stop with the what ifs. His friend said that he would be okay and I'm just going to have to trust them. I wish I were his friend and I could tweet that for him instead.

I would do a hell of a better job than that friend of his. Causing everyone to worry even more, how stupid could they be? I would have been one hell of a friend.

I sat up from my internet position and set my phone and laptop aside. I stood up and started pacing. I couldn't stop these thoughts about Phil and death. Oh Jesus, I could feel an existential crisis coming up.

Instead of laying face down on the floor, I kept pacing faster and faster until I was sure that I had worn a path into my carpet.

All I could think about was Phil. He was my everything right now, I could live without university, I could live without my family, I could live without my internet friend, but I couldn't live without Phil. Even if he was an asshole to me.

My pacing was the equivalent of crying and screaming. This was my mental breakdown, pacing into the late hours of night, or is it the early hours of morning? I doubt myself too much.

I was just so angry that I couldn't do anything. If he were allowed on technology maybe I could message him and try to help him a little bit. But there was literally nothing that I could do unless I stalk him but I would never go that far.

I sighed and rubbed my temples. This shouldn't be such a big deal to me!

I shouldn't want to be there to hold his hand and convince him that everything is going to be okay.

I shouldn't want to kiss him until we're both out of breath.

I shouldn't have these feelings for someone who I barely even know.

I scream and collapse. I sob loudly and then bite my lip to stop them. My family is home and they already worry about me too much. I slowly pick myself up to lock the door and play muse through my speakers to cover my sobs.

I fall back down onto the floor. I bumped my head on the way down but it was okay. It felt good and I deserved it anyways.

I close my eyes and sigh. My silence is short-lived and I feel tears slip down my cheeks. All I can think about is my beautiful Phil. At least I wish he were mine. But he never will be.

With that thought, I begin to sob. The tears were free-falling down my face. I just stared up at my ceiling and began to choke on my sobs. My chest ached because I just missed him so much.

You've never even met him, Dan! How the hell do you miss someone you don't even know?

I sat up and faced my floor length mirror. What was staring back at me scared me. Brown eyes rimmed in red that looked like they could see through anything. A pale clammy face that looked as though it had never seen anything but artificial light. Ruffled brown hair that could never go back to its original position.

But the thing that scared me the most was its forehead. In big bold scarlet letters read 'FAGGOT'. The thick substance dripping down its forehead.

While I stared at the monster staring back at me, I felt a sharp pain on my right wrist and glanced down. Blood the same shade as the letters oozed down along my palm and along my fingers until finally pooling onto the carpet.

I stared in shock at the blood. I was frozen.

I felt another prick but this time in my left hand. I opened my fist and out tumbled a razor stained red onto the carpet, joining the red stain.

I stared on in horror, the events just piling up. I could only look at the mirror and watch as my long sleeve shirt was ripped off and my wrists were torn to ribbons. Its arm wasn't even moving, the skin was just shredding itself.

I screamed and punched the mirror. It exploded into a thousand pieces. My heart lay in pieces among the glass.

I looked down to see how bad the damage was to my wrists. I was prepared for the worst, they wouldn't be fixable.

To my amazement, the skin on my wrists were flawless, no cuts, just perfect creamy skin. I started to shake with happiness.

I didn't know how to feel. I was fine! At least physically. Emotionally I think I had finally broken. No sane person sees what I just saw.

They certainly don't break mirrors because of what they see.

Still shaking, I put my shirt back on. I slowly stood up and with wobbly steps, I turned off the light and collapsed into my bed.

I glanced at the time, 6:39 am. Shit.

I was still shaking slightly but I didn't know what to do besides sleep.

I closed my eyes and waited for the darkness to consume me.

Within seconds, I was under the wings of sleep.

Safe and sound at last.

~

wow okay im not exactly sure what this is

im sorry for fucking with your feelings

not really lol

also I put a black butler reference in there and if you get it then I love you

okay ill update soooooon byeeeeee