Guilt (A Zero Spin-Off)

TwentyEight - Kyle

It didn't take long to figure out that Ella's lack of personal effects at Hudson wasn't just at Hudson. The house wasn't well lit, but it was nothing like the home I'd grown up in. Family pictures didn't line the walls and end tables. There weren't embarrassing school pictures or Christmas cards pinned to the fridge under tacky magnets they'd picked up on different vacations. It was homey enough, but in the way that a model home was. Nice furniture, a couple wall hangings and throw pillows, but no personalization.

I found it odd that such a warm, caring person had so little in the way of personal effects. I couldn't help but want to get up to her room and see if it were any different than the rest of the museum-like house.

Based on the house and what I knew about the girl on paper, I would have expected someone with few social skills and even fewer emotions. But that's not what I got. Not even close.

Damn, I'd been so ready to... I don't know. Scream it out. I hadn't been ready for her to admit she was wrong. But she'd done that, not in so many words, but I knew. It made it difficult to stay mad when she wasn't trying to defend all her decisions. And then she told me what'd she'd done. That she'd killed someone. I guess when we came across the bodies, I should have known, but we'd all assumed Zero took care of it.

Ella finally pulled away and when her eyes met mine, she looked tormented.

I never wanted her to know what it was to take a life. Ella was good and innocent, even if she didn't know it. She was a little naive, which was both and endearing and frustrating. She blamed herself for this horrible thing but couldn't fathom that people could be wholly evil. She was heartbroken and betrayed when she discovered that her father wasn't who she'd thought him to be.

I didn't want her to be tainted by the realization that sometimes you have to kill to live.

I wanted to promise her that the knowledge of what she'd done would get easier with time. That the weight would lessen. For some people it did, but I couldn't bring myself to tell her it would because I didn't think that for Ella it would ever get easier. She was going to be someone who thought about the life she took - justified, or not - every single day.

Looking up at me, Ella stared at me. I'm not sure what I expected, but it wasn't for her perfect lips to stretch into a shy grin. I wasn't sure how she could possibly feel shy around me, but I was intrigued.

"What?" I asked when she didn't speak. Just continued to look at me like a kid on Christmas.

"You really like me, huh?"

That... caught me off guard. If anyone asked, I would deny, deny, deny that shit, but I blushed. Like a chick. Thank God no one witnessed it. I didn't expect her to call me out like that and it took me by surprise.

I rubs the back of my neck with one hand, stalling.

"That a problem?" No sense in denying it. Besides, she was damn hard to deny. And when her smile grew and her eyes looked less haunted, sparkling in the candlelight, I was glad I didn't try.

"No," she whispered. "Are you still mad at me?

I nodded. I was on a roll with the honesty tonight and truth be told, I was still pretty pissed.

"That gonna stop you from kissing me?"

My answer was to lower my lips to hers. Her hands braced on my arms as our lips brushed once, twice and then pressed together. I pulled away before the kiss could deepen and Ella let out a frustrated little growl that had me seriously questioning my decision.

But she was traumatized and hurting and her head was all kinds of fucked up at the moment, and call me crazy, but I'd rather not continue this pattern of ours. I knew I wanted Ella. And I knew she thought she wanted me. What I didn't know was if she really wanted me or wanted to forget the million things running through her mind. I wasn't sure she knew for sure.