Guilt (A Zero Spin-Off)

Forty - Kyle

The food tasted like cardboard and it had nothing to do with the taste of the food. I had never had a bad meal here and based on the expressions around the room as everyone ate, I was the only one not quite enjoying the lasagna and homemade bread. I was surprised they had noodles left for it. It had been a while since we'd stocked them up, but usually we tried to make sure they were stocked on the staples. Flour, spices, and cooking oils, noodles of all variety and rice. Everything else, they made. The vegetables all came from the garden they grew themselves and the meat either came from their animals, or from trading with some of the other small communities.

It was the fact that tomorrow morning Ella was leaving, and she wanted me to stay here. I didn't like it. I didn't like that I didn't like it. Hunter, Zero, and Atlas could get her there alive. They were capable. And I knew Hunter would be on guard the whole time, not chancing anyone getting the jump on them again. Four people moved a lot stealthier than seven. Which meant that the sick feeling in my gut at her leaving without me had little to do with worrying she wouldn't be protected and more to do with the whole without me bit.

Though a part of me still wanted to demand we go, a bigger part of me knew that Hunter, Zero and Atlas could protect her. Further Zero had to go and Hunter and apparently Atlas were a packaged deal this time.

It made sense that Miles, Joel, and I hang back to take care of things here and watch for any danger. I wasn't the only one who felt that someone should stay back to protect the church. Just in case...

My mood didn't go unnoticed. Except maybe by Ella, who was doing a damn good job of pretending I didn't exist.

Dammit. This wasn't how I wanted things to go.

Problem was there wasn't a better option. If I tried to fix things it would make it suck more. The leaving. The end. We both knew this was goodbye. I could hunt her down when I'm on Hudson, but I knew I wouldn't. This was it. And that was okay. Sort of.

I glanced down the table at her, grinning at something Atlas said. Her hair, still damp from trying to wash it in the trough at the well, in a messy pile on top her head, several strands had fallen loose around her face. Was it wrong that I wanted her underneath me one more time? That I was thinking about how I could play my cards to make that happen. There was a chance she'd be down for it, she'd been the one to start this.

That was an asshole thing to think about.

But I was still thinking about it in the afternoon, doing patrols with Joel when I couldn't shake the feeling in my gut that something was wrong. Maybe we were just that good, staying off the well-beaten path. Maybe Lawrence's group just didn't feel like leaving their city to chase us down. It was possible, likely even, that we'd lost them. But in the pit of my stomach, it felt wrong. It would be so easy to pinpoint Hudson on a map, to figure out that was where we were headed and set up some sort of ambush. They had vehicles... they could be a solid week ahead of us. Just waiting. And the church was on the way. God knows if they saw it or thought twice about it.

We needed to stay here. Ella would be fine getting back. Hunter was smart and he'd know to expect something.

So I was out here with Joel, Miles and Atlas were doing laps as were Zero and Hunter. All of us looking for any signs that the church was being watched. That this group - Lawrence's group - might be monitoring the little community. Waiting for us.

"I don't know if I'm going back," Joel said breaking the silence.

My eyebrows shot up.

"To Hudson?"

He nodded. Stopping, he turned to face me silent for a moment as he pulled his thoughts together. "This isn't sitting right with me. I don't want to leave these people unprotected. I can't leave Jamie unprotected."