Guilt (A Zero Spin-Off)

FortyOne - Ella

They were more nervous than I was, which was saying something because I'd never seen them this way. Scared, sure, but nervous and suspicious. I studied Zero and Hunter, trailing behind a few steps. I could see it between them - practically feel it. We were a full day's walk away and they were already calculating how to get out.

Did they not trust me?

I didn't think I had given them any reason not to trust me, though I wasn't exactly sure I earned it either.

Still, it was hard not to take it a little personally. It wasn't like I was delivering them to their deaths.

"Can I ask you something?" Atlas said. He'd been walking slow with me. I think they were worried if I was last I'd wander off and die or lag to far behind. That wasn't the case though. We were almost there. Almost. And I wanted to be done. I wanted this off of me.

"Sure."

"Why aren't you coming back with us?"

He wasn't the first one to ask me that. Hunter had last night, so had Squirrel and Gremlin... and Colby, even Mrs. Allen asked.

You would think after being asked half a dozen times I would have come up with a good answer. I hadn't. It wasn't as though I was a terribly valuable asset to the find-a-cure team and as soon as I delivered the live, original virus I wouldn't be able to offer much help at all. I was intelligent, but I had nothing on the doctors running this thing.

I didn't really have a place at Hudson.

It just... wasn't the plan.

I didn't think I was bold enough to live outside their high walls. Even if Kyle thought they were on the verge of crumbling to the ground. They had guaranteed meals. Hot showers.

Lots of people with lots of weapons.

No they weren't perfect and I wasn't sure I was happy there. I wasn't sure I would ever be. But they offered a piece of normalcy. I'd learned so quickly that everyone, myself included, living on Hudson was trying to live as though the zombie outbreak ever happened. Trying to live lives as normal despite the fact that normal was long gone. So was safe. But maybe... maybe I wanted to keep pretending.

I didn't want to admit that to anyone though.

I'd gone out there. Experienced the world. And wanted to crawl back into the only place I knew to be relatively safe.

Maybe if things were different—but they weren't.

I shrugged. "It's just where my life is now."

"I can respect that," he said nodding. We went back to walking in relative silence. But I don't think that Atlas was really a silence kind of guy if he didn't have to be, so it wasn't long before he spoke again. "But Mouse?"

I raised an eyebrow. "Really sticking with that one, huh?"

"Yep," he nodded, grinning. "You got a name. You're one of us if you want to be."

Something about the earnest way he said that got to me. One of them. Huh.

It was a mostly quiet walk from the church to Hudson. Zero, evidently feeling great again, and Atlas were quick to take on any zombies, or, as they liked to call them, creeps that got in our way. Some of them weren't even in our way, but one or the other would run out to get one to keep the score matched, or get one up. They could play their twisted killing game all they wanted if it meant I didn't have to. I was pretty sure I had enough killing to last a lifetime. I was really quite okay never ever killing anything again. Ever.