Guilt (A Zero Spin-Off)

ThirtyNine - Ella

The trek down the lake was quiet. Miles and Joel had overheard my conversation with Kyle - everyone had. It was a small building and even if people weren't trying to eavesdrop, and even if we were speaking fairly quietly, it wasn't exactly a private conversation.

I was a little embarrassed by it.

Had I really stood there and told him that I wanted to be priority? To treat me like one. Just put myself right the hell out there in front of half a dozen people and been rejected. So yeah, I felt awkward about it. And a part of me wanted to cower away and stay at the store so that I wouldn't have to spend a few hours with Kyle, but I had meant what I said. There seemed to be a theme with things going wrong.

The first time I was separated from them, I got lost in a horde of zombies and would have died if Hunter hadn't appeared out of nowhere like a ninja and saved my ass. Then I walked off with Zero, away from the guys who were my protection and ended up wired to a cross - yeah, I was still sporting sore wounds, lots of bruises and nightmares from that one. Leaving them in the lab hadn't seemed like a bad idea. Right up until I had to kill someone and Zero became a zombie snack. And then most recently... yeah, I wasn't down for anymore splitting up until this was over.

No one really tried to talk.

It was a lot like it was when we first met and set out toward DC. Minus the resentment radiating off Joel. That, at least, was gone. But Kyle was stoic. Not unfriendly, not cold. But not talkative and a bit reluctant to bring me along, even though he'd agreed to it.

I don't know what I had expected from him...

"Doing okay there?"

Miles stopped and waited for me to catch up. I was lagging several feet behind them, more to keep from having to deal with too much awkward than from just being slow. Though I was slow. I smiled at him and wiped the bangs plastered to my forehead with sweat away. It didn't seem right to be sweating this early in the spring, but the sun was beating down and without a cloud in the sky by midday, it was hot and I was sweaty.

"How long, you think? Until we're there."

"Where?" Miles asked for clarification.

"Hom—Hudson," I corrected myself, feeling strange about referring to place as home any longer. It wasn't really home. It had never been, but now referring to it as such felt wrong. He stopped walking, tilting his head to one side as the worked out how far we were from base.

"No problems and we move quickly, we can have you there in four days."

"Wow," I said to myself.

I knew things could go wrong. Obviously the way down they had estimated three to four days as well, but, well, that went to shit. I knew this could too, but it was still amazing to hear. In three days I'd deliver not only the virus, but a walking, breathing cure to Dr. Summers. The world could start to undo what I had helped do. It was a feeling that I couldn't quite describe. Even to myself.

"Excited to get back?"

That actually wasn't it at all. I mean, sure, I was a little excited to eat real food - I'd lost more weight than would be considered healthy in the last couple weeks. And I couldn't wait for a warm shower - and to actually wash my hair. Evidence of days old blood was still caked in my hair, hidden only by the dark color. I could really use some shampoo. But I didn't have anything waiting for me at Hudson. No friends, no family. I didn't have what everyone else here had. As makeshift and patch-worked as their groups were, they had people. People that were theirs.

For half a second, I thought I had people too. Or at least person.

That's what had been so disappointing. Having that idea, that feeling of home in another person, dangled in front of my face. And then having it yanked away, like silk, it slipped through my fingers.