stardust|completed

twenty seven|a realization?

"babe, there's something tragic about you."
(not edited)
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Insomnia is defined as habitual sleeplessness or the inability to sleep. It is often a symptom of depression, anxiety, and Alzheimer's. Side effects include changes in mood, forgetfulness, slowing of the reflexes, and the impairment of  learning abilities. Eventually lack of sleep can lead to serious injuries and even death.

The multiple webpages of information flashed through my brain as I tried to keep my eyes open in Chemistry. Of course I had gathered said information the previous night and continued to pour over countless medical sites well into the morning.

Now the question was: did I have insomnia?

I internally scoffed at my thoughts. Without seeing a licensed psychologist I wouldn't be able to know for sure. My late nights and days without sleep weren't a big issue. In fact I had always labeled my self a night owl, often joking that I was nocturnal.

The ringing of the bell pierced through my thoughts. Gathering my bag I made my way towards my truck and drove to Starry Nights. Ever since my peculiar meeting with Orion I had neglected working. Even though he had wormed his way into my life I still had responsibilities. Of which included putting food in the cupboards and having warm air rushing through the vents.

I worked my shift in zombie mood, once or twice smiling at Olivia's antics. Closing up rather quickly I drove home in a haze. Unlocking the door I checked on Leo, who was sleeping soundly, before entering my own room. For the first time in a while it was spotless, an effect of the sleepless night. Feeling exhausted I flopped onto my bed with the intention to sleep. But as always, that didn't occur. My eyes felt extremely heavy, my body was sore, and overall it felt like someone injected lead into my bones.

Even though I was physically long overdue for a couple of hours of sleep, my brain seemed to fight me. Countless scenarios ran through my mind. My thoughts focused on reality and even veered towards much more sinister things.

Eventually I gave up. Three hours had passed and the only thing I had managed to do was lay down in a dark room. Gathering my heavy limbs I dragged my sock clad feet towards the front door. Across the street the house was dark but nonetheless my hands reached for a few pebbles to throw at Jasper's window.

After the seventh one hit the glass a light turned on and the window opened quickly after that. All he did was stare at me before disappearing. Moments later he was ushering me up the stairs and into his room.

"The usual?" Jasper's raspy voice filled the space as I settled into the bean bag.

I grumbled out a confirmation. Downstairs some rustling was heard as Jasper prepared our drinks. He reappeared with two war mugs filled with hot chocolate (extra marshmallows of course). The room was awkwardly silent with only a few slurping noises to disrupt the quiet.

"Are you okay Nyx?" Jasper asked from his spot on the bed.

Before shooting out the typical, 'I'm fine' response I actually thought about the question. In all honesty things were not as terrible as they had been. Orion was now in my life, which made my days seem brighter. Jasper and I had mended our friendship. We all got along, ate lunch together, and made stupid whispered jokes in class.

What was wrong?

I could argue it was my parents, or lack there of. I could say the responsibility of taking care of my 12 year old brother had taken its toll on me. But I couldn't blame my shitty feelings on a crappy upbringing or my little brother.

What was wrong?

Things were looking up. I had friends, decent grades, and a job. Even with these things in my life I wasn't feeling any different. Orion and Jasper had made a big impact on me. Days didn't seem as drab anymore. I had two people who made me laugh and smile.

But at the end day I didn't have any qualms with dying.

And that frustrated me. I couldn't figure out where I was going wrong or why I still couldn't sleep or why sometimes I saw things that weren't actually there. I didn't know why sometimes I felt on top of the world and other times I felt like the dirt on the bottom of my shoes.

All these bad thoughts and sleepless nights were adding up. Building on top of each other and I didn't know when my breaking point would occur. But I could feel things coming to a head and I had no idea how to stop it.

"I don't know," my watery voice spoke out.

Salty tears rested on my lips and mixed in with my hot chocolate. Although Jasper was a man of many words they all seemed to leave him tonight. So we sat together on his bean bag to watch the sun rise in silence.

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8/5/16