The Intern

Chapter 45

This wasn't how it was supposed to go.

Back when I stared up at the two of them on that stage, I'd felt a moment of intense fear that somehow gave way to complete understanding. I hadn't even wanted to understand at the time. Hell, I wanted to go up on that stage and drag him off and leave a blood stained Erwin behind. That was what I thought I would do. That was what everyone expected me to do. Even him.

But I didn't.

Two days later I was still trying to figure out why I had sat in that audience and watched him. Why it had been so easy, too easy, to know he was up there with him and not do a thing about it. I had watched Armin fume over Erwin until he was able to get his emotions under control and his mind set in place, but I hadn't felt the same way. I wasn't even upset.

At first it terrified me. I'd thought for a moment that somehow I'd become indifferent to him. It wasn't really like me not to fight for what was mine. But then I realized it was exactly because of that. Because he was mine. Fully and completely. More than anyone ever had been or would be. I had no reason to charge up on that stage and drag him off because he wasn't really up there anyway. His body was moving through the motions of a song, dancing his farewell to a past he didn't want, but his heart was in the audience with me.

I had no reason to fear because I knew I wasn't going to lose him. Not to Erwin. Not to anyone.

And it wasn't that I didn't care that he was on stage with him. Part of me cared about that more than I wanted to admit, more than I would admit, but it didn't matter. None of that mattered the moment I saw that look in his eyes. A look that was begging for me to understand. A look that told me he needed this even more than he was aware. He needed this ending.

Because he was still in love with him.

Even if he wanted to tell me that wasn't the case, I knew it was. I didn't need to be standing outside the office when they had their conversation, but it sure as hell helped. Of course at the same time it made everything that much worse. I hated the fact that he still felt anything for him. I wanted to pretend that it wasn't true at all. I wanted to give myself the permission to fall apart and scream, to treat this as so much more than it needed to be.

When really it was nothing.

I understood his need for revenge now, and it had less to do with his father than I thought. It was true that he wanted to put the company in someone else's hands, but that was only because he wouldn't leave it to Erwin alone. He didn't want to give him the satisfaction of letting him win in the end, but at the same time he wasn't about to stay. Levi needed to get away from him because he was finally ready to let go of the past. All of the other times where Levi had tried and failed were all because he hadn't been ready to move on.

But he was ready now.

And it was because of me.

Of course, that was if he didn't try to let me go before then. He'd done everything these past two days to make our relationship seem perfect, but there was a darkness lingering beneath the surface of every gesture. A deep-seated guilt in his eyes that hadn't faded away since that night, and it had gotten to the point where it was terrifying me now. I'd expected him to talk about it, and yet he'd done nothing but shove it further down inside. He was burying his feelings rather than worrying me, and I was sick of it.

I wasn't a fucking child and I wouldn't let him treat me that way.

I was going to get every word, every worry, every fear out of his throat no matter what they were. Because I didn't care at this point. I couldn't work with silence, and I sure as hell wasn't going to let him ruin himself any further.