The Intern

Chapter 58

Levi

Letting go is the hardest thing that anyone will ever have to do.

Although I'm sure that there are more than a handful of people who would disagree with me. Many, in fact, who truly believe that fighting takes more energy, strength, and determination than giving up ever could. And up until a few hours ago, I was one of them. Fighting had always been the one choice I'd made and admired through every challenge. And although the battles varied, my will to persevere had remained the same. Because throwing in the towel had always seemed like the easiest option; the one that people chose when they lacked the courage to try.

I'd never really known just how difficult it was to give in.

To let go of something, in the truest sense of the word, is a near-impossible thing to do. And I wasn't even sure I'd managed to do it at this point, despite the fact that I'd left my heart behind in that room. Because every inch of me was still aching with the raw, uncontrollable desire to run back to that hospital and scour the floors until I managed to find him once more. And I knew that with every step I took, I was only seconds away from turning back again.

From fighting again.

Because that was the only thing I wanted to do now, and the one thing I knew I couldn't. As much as I hated to admit it, the kid didn't need to see my face anymore. Even more than that, he didn't want to. That became clear the instant he stared at me with those eyes; the same eyes I'd had when my father told me my mother was dead. I'd hated him in that moment, the same way that I was sure that Eren hated me now. Only I couldn't say that his anger wasn't justified. I knew I deserved the hatred in his eyes.

Which was why I had decided to stay away, despite Hanji and Petra's many attempts to convince me otherwise. Because what would be the point in the end? He'd made it clear that he didn't want me near him, that I wasn't worth fighting for, and I had to respect that. It was what I would have wanted myself had the situations been reversed, and I wasn't about to deny him the things I would have expected in return. No matter how much it killed me to give them to him.

And it did.

After walking out of Armin's room, I'd quickly reached a point where I was certain I couldn't feel anything anymore. A hollow emptiness started to eat at the remains in my chest and threatened to consume me whole. And I wanted it to at the time, if it meant that the pain would stop. But it didn't. Somehow it had gotten worse, and hours later I found myself trapped between feeling nothing and everything all at once. And there was nothing I could do to change it. Being away from him willingly was a pain I'd learned how to control, but knowing I couldn't go to him now was something different. Unfamiliar.

And it was driving me fucking insane.

To the point where I was beginning to calculate the amount of time it would take me to get back to his side.

So I locked the door instead.

As if doing so could actually stop me from going anywhere at all.

I walked past the kitchen on my way down the hall, the entire room nothing more than a shiny, sterile display. Not that it wasn't normally spotless, but over the past day I had managed to clean it into a cold, lifeless place to be. And the same went for the rest of the apartment. Every room had been scrubbed clean of memories, warmth, and anything that had ever made this place somewhere I wanted to be. Just as it had been before he'd stepped into it.

Before he made it into a place that I wanted to call home.

Everything had been interchangeable until that day. I could have walked into any clean apartment and it would have been the same to me. Save for one room, of course. And right now that was the only place I wanted to be. If for no other reason than to fill the apartment with something other than the emptiness that was surrounding me now.