The Intern

Chapter 56

Eren

I couldn't be sure of when I finally came to.

The last thing I could remember was the sensation of the wall sliding down behind my back as I dropped to the ground. And then there were the screams. But it took me so long to realize that they were coming from me. And by the time that I did I couldn't remember them anymore. It was almost as if I hadn't been there at all. And it might as well have been that way, because I couldn't remember any of it. Nothing but the way his lips felt on mine, just before they left. Before he left.

And then it was all a blur.

Mikasa had found me in the hall after the staff went running for her. One of the nurses had stayed with me, holding my hands and trying to bring me to a focus that I had no hope of reaching at the time. And looking back on it now, I actually wanted to be grateful that they had tried at all. But I couldn't remember their face to do so. It was washed away with the rest of the events from yesterday.

And that was probably the hardest part to believe.

That an entire night had passed since that moment when I was left on the floor. When I had gotten exactly what I asked for, and everything I didn't want. Because I would be lying if I said I did. I wanted nothing more than to go back into his arms and forget the past week as if it could really disappear that easily. Even though I knew that wasn't possible anymore. Because although he might have decided that he was ready to fight for us now, I knew that it didn't make a difference in the end.

Not if I couldn't bring myself to forgive him.

And I wasn't sure I could.

But it wasn't as if I hadn't tried. Even while I lied there in the haze of unconscious consciousness, he had been my only thought. The only one I could still remember. The only one that seemed to matter at the time, even though there was so much more that should have come before him. But then again, I wasn't actively giving up the rest of my life. Just the part that he was in.

Which felt like everything.

And I tried to convince myself that it was. Because letting go was breaking me, and I didn't want to face it anymore. I wanted to hide in the calm of his arms and ignore the fact that he was the reason I was upset at all. And for a time, it almost felt possible. I was almost able to believe that I could. Because what did I have to hate him for? A kiss that had meant nothing to either of them coupled with the worst timing in the world.

Admittedly he hadn't done anything.

It wasn't really his fault.

He never meant to hurt anyone.

But it didn't change the fact that he had.

And that was what it came down to, wasn't it? Armin wouldn't be here now if it weren't for what they'd done. And that wasn't to say he was entirely blameless; I knew that his driving had been reckless. But it never would have been if it weren't for what he'd seen. If he weren't in such a state of shock that he hadn't been thinking clearly. And that was all that mattered in the end. Intentional or not, my choice was going to have to be the same.

Because if Armin never made it out of that bed, I would always feel the blood on Levi's skin.

And I couldn't be with someone that I could never forgive.

Which was why I was sitting in this room now, vigilantly waiting at Armin's side for the best or worst to happen. And I had no plan to leave. No matter how desperately I wanted to run after him now. No matter how much I wanted to go to him. That wasn't the place I was meant to be, and this was a struggle I had to survive. Because there was no way this was going to be easy. I knew that going into it. It didn't matter how angry I was with him, it was still going to feel as if I were tearing my own skin off in the end.