Zayn's Maid

Chapter 39

Perrie's P.O.V

I refused to come down for dinner no matter how hungry I was, my stomach grumbling through the music blaring through Zayn's IPod. I was deliberately trying to block the sound of his voice out, listening to "Kiss Me" to numb the pain, brining back the good memories. The jolts and squirms inside me were irritating and sickening, I wanted to thump myself hard in the stomach and hope it would disappear. But I couldn't...I just couldn't.

I hated it yet I loved it at the same time...just because it was Zayn's. No matter how much he hurt or destroyed me I still wanted him, but he frightened me.

The lights went off and I could hear the patter of his feet from the landing, the long pause outside my bedroom door and a slug of some kind of alcohol. He slipped off to his own room and slammed the door, the echo sending shivers down my spine. I wanted him to come back, tell me how sorry he was and hold me. But he left me feeling empty and knotted even though I had a tiny creature embedded inside me.

I closed my watering eyes and wept quietly, soon falling asleep from the stress and exhaustion of the day.

* * * *

I woke in the middle of the night as my back cramped, making it hard to sleep in these extreme conditions. I had to pee every five minutes, felt hot or clamy and bloated all at the same time. My stomach did that familiar jolting sensation and I winced, slipping out of bed.

The landing was cold and dark, the feeling of being alone creeping me out.

Something drew me to Zayn's room, watching from the doorway as his chest rose up and down slowly, a bottle of whiskey lying on the ground.

I tiptoed over to him and traced the tattoos on his body, straddling his mangled hips. He whimpered and flickered his eyes open as I leaned into him, hovering over his lips as a tear fell onto his cheek. I kissed him slowly, his hand reaching up to my face and brushing my hair away. I couldn't stop crying, my little squeaks popping out every time our lips parted.

"I'm sorry..." he whispered over and over again.

"Ssssh," I hushed him, rocking my hips slightly.

He moaned quietly and squeezed my hand, swallowing a huge lump in his dry throat.

"I want to forget..."

"I'll never forgive myself," he cried into my mouth, my hair falling by his neck and tickling his skin.

"Well I forgive you."

He made a little noise of appreciation and smiled as I lay down beside him, feeling more relaxed as he was next to me. I had grown this hatred for sleeping alone.

"I really am sorry," he whispered.

"I know," I sighed, resting my head on his chest.

I noticed the white stick on the ground next to the whiskey bottle and winced, my nails curling round his shirt. He smelt of strong alcohol and a slight hint of mint which he must have used to try and cover his scent. His hand curved round my waist, slipping down to my stomach and rubbing gently. I groaned and pushed it away, I wasn't going to pretend I enjoyed it.

"Zayn...I can't do it," I cried, hugging my knees.

"What...can't do what?" he slurred slightly.

"Have...it."

His eyes widened but he sighed, nodding to my surprise.

"It is a baby....and I know, we're teenagers we can't handle looking after a child," he said softly, emphasising the it," and I should have thought about that."

We stared at the ceiling in silence, my heart thumping at the thought of what I had to do. The vision of sitting in a clinic waiting to destroy something before its life had really began sickened me.

"I don't want to...kill it," I mumbled sadly, the word making me shudder, "I'm just not ready, I don't think I ever will be."

He turned his head to face me, looking quite pale and sickly himself.

"You don't want kids?"

I thought about it for a moment, the irritating wails and nappy changing didn't appeal to me. I shook my head, a tear running down my cheek,

"I promised myself I never would," I whispered into the darkness, feeling his curious gaze on me, "I couldn't handle looking after something as fragile as that...I can barely look after myself."

Which I guess was true. I failed to look after Jade, I failed to protect myself ...and I would fail to look after a child.