Love's Sins (Sequel to Silent Cries)

Chapter Nineteen - She's The Coward.

Back To The Present..
Bryan's POV

Silent tears spill from my eyes, uncontrolled or checked but from my building rage and sadness. Katherine looks at me with a soft and maternal gaze, reaching out a hand and trying to place it over mine. I jerk it back immediately, burying my face in my hands as a light wave of sobs runs through me, shaking my shoulders and making me feel like I've been stuffed into a skin that's much too tight for me.

I hate this feeling and what it represents for me, the past memories and razor cravings rushing over me every time. I don't let it get so far as to when I experience urges and force myself to look up at Katherine.

Her brown eyes still both amaze and frighten me. It's like a part of Rory lives on within them and that if I waited long enough that she would tell me he never left us in the first place. The beautiful face in the family photo I saw looks warn down, lines and wrinkles from time's viscous assault having embedded them into her face with dark circles shouting her lack of sleep. She's not as large from baby weight as she was in the photo and is on the skinny side, surely partially from her emotional distress.

"Bryan, I know this must be an awful lot for you to take in at once. I'm sorry for all that you've been put through, I really am." She says in almost pleading voice, her eyes holding my own and stabbing painfully at my heart. I'm on my feet before realizing it and am standing across from her, an uneasy ball of rage forming in my stomach as I exhale to try and vacate it.

"All this time I thought that it was him who was the coward.. But it was you the entire time. You didn't give him the mother he needed and the nurturing required for him to grow up right and with a healthy life style." I snarl, the rage thundering in my chest at my words. She should no better than to try and apologize for all that she has done now that it's too little and too late.

"I mean, his own father beat the crap out of him and you on a regular basis! Shouldn't that be a clear reason to get your shit together?! I had no idea how you could've gone from being such a good mother to a neglectful caregiver at the beginning of your tail and now that I know, it makes me sick." I finish, the rage subsiding and being replaced by a long lost feeling of guilt from my also thought to be deceased empathy.

Katherine hangs her head, mimicking my prior actions and pressing her palms over her face and letting out an animalistic moan sounding between a sob and yell. My guilt tightens in my stomach and I almost want to take back what I said, but my rage and sense telling me otherwise, that it had to be said to get it off my chest. I still shouldn't have let my anger dig its talons into me the way that it did. The woman lost her son for crying out loud!

"Katherine, I-" but I don't get far with my apology when her head snaps up, her sallow face streaked with tears and her eyes filled with anger, sadness, and determination. The combination is a strange one and I'm not shocked that I can already read her so well after having known her son for so many years. The two really are that much alike in appearance.

"I loved my boy.. He meant the world to me and I regret everyday the decisions that I've made. Lucas was a terrible father and role model for him and I still blame myself for not removing him and I from the situation even though I tried once and failed. He was mine and I took what love he had to offer and smothered it. I'm not shocked that you both hated me but I can't turn back time as much as I'd like to.." Her voice breaks at the end of her last sentence, another round of sobs she can't contain bursting from her mouth.

I stand there, letting the silence only broken by her soft fragile whimpers to grow. I feel so many conflicting emotions. A part of me wants to despise and pin all of the blame on her for Rory's actions, but another and larger part says that Rory was his own person that his past shouldn't have brought him to the point of his many faults and shortcomings.

Looking at Katherine now, I realize that I could never hate her. She is the only part of him I have and it's wrong of me to be so hostile especially since she drew up a lot of courage to face me and tell her side of the story. The very least that I can do is let her finish her side and make her points. Then we can both get a bit more closure and maybe help to fill the gap that Rory's suicide had left behind in both of us.

Crossing the room, I sit back down beside her at the edge of the couch, careful not to move too suddenly and scare her. Judging by her body language, she's on edge from the fidgeting and sitting on the couch like she's prepared to bolt out of the room at a moment's notice. A lot of battered women find it difficult to discuss their abuse so I was almost expecting to see her break down before being able to carry on with her story.

At some point she calms down enough to relax into the cushions, though her foot is still jerking around so much that you'd think she's part of a built in mower. I take this as a good opportunity for me to try at an apology again.

"I don't think you're a bad person, Katherine. I'm very sorry for being so harsh about my words from earlier. I really appreciate the bravery you've shown by coming here and facing me. So I'd appreciate it even more if you continued your side of thing when you're ready." I say, my voice taking on the silky tone I usually give to my clients after they have an episode like her's.

She sits up straight, fumbling in her pocket and pulling out a handkerchief and wiping her eyes, clearing away her runny mascara and eye liner before beginning to speak up again, this time in a fuller and much steadier tone.

"I'll continue my story now, a bit further down the line. Rory and his friend Ronnie grew very close at one point and this is a very big thing that impacted him, what I'm about to share with you."

Author's Note.

Back the present and emotions are still running rather high. What did you think of Bryan's reaction and words to Katherine? Were they well justified? And what about Katherine's acceptance? You'll find out in later chapters how much her POV on herself has been moulded by experience.

Thank you all so much for reading and the feedback has been just incredible. Giving that little start a quick and easy push always puts a big grin on my face :)

Next chapter we will be fast forwarding to when Rory is eleven years old. We will find out then about what happened that was so crucial with Rory so please do stay tuned.

Until next time.. Stay Strong.