Trees

Depression

~Tyler~
It's getting worse. All of it. I can hear them in my head. They won't stop. I can't tell my family. They won't understand what is in my head. They won't understand these horrific thoughts that penetrate the good dreams, intoxicating them with their evil entities. They force the good feelings out. They make me sad. I have nothing but these thoughts. I don't think my parents have noticed. I know my brothers and Maddison haven't noticed. They are all caught up in basketball and relationships. None of them seem to notice my lack of eating or presence around the house. Of course I show up for basketball, I'm the best player on the team. With out me and my brothers, our school would have a pretty shit team.

"Tyler dinner!" Mom called so I slowly walked downstairs and sat down at the table. I sat there watching everyone serve themselves. My eyes darted from place to place noticing every little thing. I noticed Jay hiding a Gameboy under the table, Zack dropped the salad fork and tried to sneak it back with out anyone noticing, Maddison was hiding her phone, dad was watching the game on tv and mom sat there with her usual look of distress. Four kids is tough on her. I usually notice everything nobody else does. Everyone just is caught up with what's going on with basketball and school that they never notice the little things that happen at home.

"Tyler, sweetie" I heard mom say but I didn't look up or reply. Suddenly I felt something hit my head "hey. earth to Tyler" Jay said so I looked up with the slightest of anger in my eyes. He threw a piece of bread at me. "Tyler you need to eat" mom told me so I nodded and pushed my food around my plate.

I'm not that hungry. I never am. These voices tell me not to eat so I don't. I want to eat. I love food but they tell me not to. They tell me that I'm worthless and nobody cares. I believe them. I truly have nothing but basketball.

After everyone left the table I scraped my plate of barely touched food into the trash then put my plate in the sink. I went up to my room and sat on my bed. I stared at my desk and noticed my notebook. I've never used that notebook but it's always been there. Maybe I should try writing a poem or a song.

I sat in my chair and grabbed the blue ink pen that was laying there. I opened the untouched notebook to the first page. I thought for a second before writing a few words down.

I won't take much of your time. I just want you to see. What I have made inside these lines.

I continued to write until I had filled the page. I looked over my writing and hummed it. Wow. Music helps a lot. I closed the notebook and checked the time. It's already ten thirty. Wow. I was lost in thought. I'm glad I was lost in thought this time. I came out of these thoughts happy with what I created. I should record it on my computer soon. I'm sure my family won't care that I'm writing music. They want me to be a basketball star not a rock star or anything like that.

I sighed and went over to my bed. I got under the blankets. I stared at my dark ceiling and closed my eyes. When my eyes closed the dark parts of my thoughts soon took over. I just slept through the tortuous things happening to me in this nightmare.

I jolted awake and checked the time. One in the morning. Great. I yawned and laid down. I closed my eyes and a voice spoke to me inside my head.

"Do it Tyler, nobody is awake. Do it"

I soon realized what the monotonous words meant. I sat up and walked over to my dresser. My dad gave me a pocket knife for my thirteenth birthday. I've never used it.

Press and drag. Press and drag. Press and drag.

I held the cold metal blade up to my skin and pressed down. I slowly pulled its across the skin on my wrist. I let out a gasp of pain then looked at it to see drops of blood beginning to flow out. I found satisfaction with this feeling and watching the crimson liquid slowly trickle down my arm as I created more lines.

That's plenty for tonight. Clean up and go back to sleep.

I listened to the voice and went to the bathroom. As I allowed cold water to flow down my arm it stung. I winced in pain but soon got over it.

I hid my knife back in my dresser before going back to sleep. This is the first night I've let the voice control me. It gives me relief when I let the voice have control. I think I should allow him to have control more often.