Raising Jesse

38.fake smile

I stood infront of joey

He kept on trying to eat his foot

I giggled at the sight

I layed back in bed and i put my feet on my wall and began scrolling through instagram ,

Unsatisfied with what i was doing

I decided to just laydown and write mainly because i didnt wanna over think anything . My problem was that i thought about alot when i was alone , and i never really had an idea of what i was thinking but most of the time i hated thinking to myself it just gave me anxiety .

I texted yoyo to see if he was busy , turns out he was too ,

I heard a knock at the door i was sure it was joel so i grabbed joeys bag full of diapers food and extra clothes and handed it to joel because it was his turn to be with joey, except joel was very serious today he wasnt his playful self or anything like that he just said see you later and left leaving me alone again ,

No one was home working today so i was all alone .

I felt really sad , man i wish i had a puppy !

I muttered to myself ,

Ooo i know ill go hiking or i could go visit brian

I decided to go hiking ,

I drove to this mountainy area and started hiking , it wasnt the place i went with joel but i knew this place like my if it were my home , no one else knew about this but me

When i got to the top i was overly happy the most beautifullest flowers grew here , i layed down and appreciated the flowers there scent relaxed me .

I was so amazed with the view i just had to take picture

I took a picture of a gorgeous flower

I posted it on instagram saying

Somtimes you have to make your own happiness :(

I decided not to put my location and turn off my phone .

I stayed there for a while writting my music ,

I didnt wanna go back home

I just wanted to stay here and drift off into the sunset and relax , ive been so stressed with everything , dealing with the rumors, dealing with taylors death and funeral, dealing with press conferences and record labels ,

its hard and i cant believe i broke down infront of jesse and joey a few days ago because apperantly the record label ive been wanting to talk with called me instead of another singer , after i clicked i was so disappointed i broke down .

And it stresses me out even more that for two days joel has been really tense ,

Joel is my ray of happiness ,

I have a feeling it was about our fight we had a few days ago , he said some mean things and i did to and i apologiesed , i dont think he got over it because i called him a fuck boy who took girls over his own daughter .

Im a monster

I felt somthing warm drop from my cheek onto my chest and then i realized i was crying ,

I didnt know what i was feeling it was this feeling of coldness but even thouht the sun was out there was nothing that made me feel better about my self .

I just didnt wanna feel lonely anymore , yes i had joey , and i loved spending my time with him and jesse but when they wernt here thats when all my emotions came crashing down .

I was taught to smile because i didnt want people to worry about me and i didnt want any extra atrention dragged my way .

I buried my face in between my leggs and cried even more .

After i was done crying i thought i wanted to distract myself , and the only way was through music .

I went to the studio but before that i took my note book out of my car containing my music .

No one was there but i had everything i needed to record so i didnt mind anything .

I called my staff up and told them to take four days off for vacation because i wasnt gonna be there all weekend , wich i lied because i was gonna stay there joel had mentioned him taking the kids to a fishing trip , i was ok with it

I had time to foucus on my music