↠denial
I find myself searching crowds for his face, I find myself reaching for his warmth in my bed, but he's never there.
But Bokuto can't be gone, no, he's just on a vacation, or somewhere I can't see him. He'll come back soon, I know it.
Sitting in our bed-- my bed, I look down at my phone.
This useless hunk of metal. I can never call Bokuto again or text him good morning even though he slept next to me. I might as well throw it away.
My mind moved on to the next thing. The wedding ring.
I could never let go of this, even if I wanted to. This might be all I have left of Bokuto, my precious Bokuto.
I don't cry, I don't scream, I don't shout his name or anything. I just stare down at the dumb band of metal and crystalized carbon that won't be able to bring Bokuto back either.
Finally, my eyes move to the next thing. A nice, huge bottle of wine.
I never considered myself a big drinker, but I guess this is the only thing that I have left.
So I open it right up, and chug as much as I can down.
I hope I die of alcohol poisoning.
↠anger
Now I cry, and now I scream.
Now I bang my head against a wall, because I'm useless.
Bokuto is gone. He's gone, and it's my fault for not taking care of him.
And it's not fair.
I should have died there instead, with that hit and run. The driver was heading for me, but Bokuto-- stupid, stupid Bokuto.
He ended up with the broken bones, lying on the street, dying.
Dying there, where all I could do was scream.
But all he did was smile. He smiled.
"I'm sorry, Akaashi. I was going to give you everything, the moon and the stars. I'm sorry."
I can't even remember if that was all he said. I can't remember, because everything went black and white as the driver pulled away.
Nothing was okay about this at all. Nothing, and there was nothing I could do about it.
All I can do is sit, and cry, and scream.
Bokuto must not be happy with me.
↠bargaining
I find myself hoping, crying, praying to gods that might not even exist to please, please bring my Bokuto back.
I was going to make him so happy. We were going to do so much together.
Please?
↠depression
My grandma used to talk about how when we died, a new star was born.
I always dismissed that as some of her extreme old lady bullshit, but here I am, searching the moon and the stars for something I recognize.
We only got this tiny, cramped apartment because of this little window seat, with a perfect view of sunrise, twilight, sunset, and the stars.
Bokuto loved this little seat. It's cold without him here.
I can't smile at the memory of him anymore. I can't smile at anything.
Everything is so empty and gray without him here.
↠acceptance
"Are you sure you're all right with this? I know I shouldn't have asked."
I give Kenma a tentative, warm smile. "Don't worry. It's been two years, and I think this is what Bokuto would have wanted."
Kenma gives me a grin back, a wide, dorky one.
The smile reminds me so much of Bokuto.
I can't help it, my shoulders shake a little, and in the middle of our walk, our date, Kenma has to sit me down and wipe away my stupid, stupid tears.
---
Is this acceptance?
I have no idea.
Me and Kenma just watch the moon and the stars.
I still keep my eye on that one tiny little star that shines brighter than the rest.
