Tomorrow, still Today| (Kim Taehyung)

Orange

-"And if I'd ever feel free like a bird again, you will be my first stop. But let me first discover, that you could be the reason to spread my wings. 'Till then, you can keep on swimming."-

The week passes by.

And I am all alone.

Lying on the cold surface of my bed, I let out a long, exasperated sigh. The memories clash over me, like always.

They affect me, like always.

They mark me, brand me, hunt me down. They break me, hurt me, drown me but I hold myself back.

No, I won't do it.

Not this time.

This time, I won't drown in my tears.

My hands rub tiredly over my stiff face, almost wondering, why it is so dry. My gaze glistens over to the pack of tissues next to my bed and I almost laugh.

I almost smile.

Throwing my arms back again, I let out another sigh.

Why does this even bother me so much.

Right now, I could be lost in the deep pain, losing my mind over the same thing, all over again.

But I don't do it.

I hold it back.

And I can feel the demons, trying to break their way through, trying to hunt me down, once again.

Making me feel the so wanted pain, and damn, how I want to feel that pain.

It's almost home to me.

I miss breaking down. It's the only thing, I live for anymore.

But something is holding me back. That pack of tissues is holding me back.

And the fact, that she hasn't been here in a week. That I haven't seen her smile since that night, only caught her fake smile as a goodbye.

Her hands are holding me back, that aren't on me anymore. Those hands, that wiped the face of a murderer, held the fingers that were covered in blood, that never really washed off.

I don't know, what she is doing. I don't know, why she is so close. I don't know, what she wants from me.

Take my pain away?

I don't get it.

Why would she want that? Pain is the reason, I am who I am now. Pain is the only thing, that's keeping me alive.

Because in one thing I'm sure. This pain will last forever, and it only finally will be gone when my mind has suffered enough, when I lost my mind one too many times and my body floats through the green water.

I don't understand, why my heart beats a little bit faster, when she is there. Why she actually can calm me down, even if it's just for a moment.

Maybe I don't want to understand.

Maybe, I hate myself even more, for what I'm about to do.

----------------------

"Kim Taehyung. Are you ready?"

I don't look up at the owner of the voice, knowing exactly what the woman behind the sweet words looks like.

And like always, I wonder, how I can still see her smile whilst I endure the pain.

I nod, feeling my body becoming numb and I open my mouth for her.

I feel the white pill lingering on my tongue and swallow it down.

One after one, Tae. I have lost count.

"Kim Taehyung, do you regret?"

She puts another pill in my mouth, I have troubles to swallow it. My mouth has gone dry.

"I do."

My vision becomes blurry, as I feel it kicking in.

And then it's there and I scream in pain at the claws that rip open my intestines, making me feel every inch of my body.

Only being strapped back by the belts, I am sure, I am safe.

Safe from myself, like they always say.

I still scream, when her hands rip my mouth open, placing another one on my tongue. This time it's orange.

Or... is it?

Why is it orange... It never was orange. Then I notice, the whole room orange.

"Kim Taehyung... do you feel the pain."

I nod, feeling another wave breaking over me. But it's not enough.

"Say it."

Her voice rings sweet in my ears, making me almost puke.

"I- I feel... it", I get out after an eternity.

"Good", she praises me and her hand strokes over my shoulder, making it almost burst. I scream so loud, I wonder why noone ever hears.

"What do you see, Kim Taehyung?"

I can't do anything about it. I don't want to see. This feels real.

But I have to. I rip my eyes open and am a little surprised.

There is no blood... there is no body... there is no Jungkook...

"O-orange", I utter. "All I see is orange."

Then nothing happens for a second, until she puts another pill in my mouth. It's still orange. Her fingers are orange, the glove covering, is orange. The ceiling is orange.

It almost looks like the sun rising.

"And now?"

Her voice doesn't sound so sweet anymore. My eyes become heavier, but I feel my body shaking. The blood is pumping way too fast and I scream once again.

"... o-orange."

Another one.

"Orange..."

My teeth start to chatter and I feel the sweat coming from every part of my body, soaking me. I resist the heavy urge to cry.

I don't know, how I remember.

I just have this image of tissues in my mind.

No tears. Not today.

It was an unspoken promise.

You can hold promises.

You are no liar.

Another pill, another pill.

"What about now?"

"... o-orange..."

Why is everything orange? Why is there nothing else? Why can't I lose myself?

Why orange?

More pills, 2, 3, I lose count. My answers don't satisfy her. And even when my vision starts to fade and barely any noise escapes my mouth, she isn't satisfied yet.

More she seems frustrated.

Shoving another and another one in my mouth, I almost gag. I know, my body's shaking, but I can't see. I know the sweat running down like rain all over my body, but I don't feel.

I know, she is saying something to me, frustrated but I can't hear. I want to open my mouth, but I can't reply.

There is only one thing anymore.

Orange.

I am a liar.

This isn't the only thing, I see.