creѕтғallen ➬ g.∂ {editing}

1.6

Warning: this chapter includes some detailed text about self harm, if this triggers you, then please skip until you see a black plus sign.

Did you ever have a feeling like you're drowning? Like that rope is just wrapping around your foot and being pulled by that unknown being at the bottom of the darkness pit. Well that's how I felt.

Slash, one to show how much my life has gone to shit. Slash, a loss, my father. Slash, my boyfriend, who can't even look at himself without cringing. Slash, this is for seeing him in pain, yet another loss, his brother. Slash, for the pain to drain and relief to wash in, like a tide. Slash, for the art to be painted on its canvas. Slash, for the crimson to see the light. Slash, for my life to shorten. Slash, straight across but without explanation. Slash, only to wish it would've been straight up. And slash, only to scar and show that I'm weak, that I can't even have the gut to kill myself. Slash, for being so stupid. Slash, dreaming of myself bleeding out on the floors. And slash, the memories of Grayson and what he'll think when he sees myself.

➕

I'm stupid and since I did this to my skin, I'd like to be portrayed as an artist.

--
"Gracie, right?" The doctor asks me as I leave the doctors bathroom.

My arm is sore, and I just hope that it doesn't bleed anymore than it already has. I'm pretty sure I left a few blood spots and maybe even blood on the tissue I used to cover my arm and prevent my sleeves from getting bloody.

"Okay, Grayson is fine. He's just taking some breathing tests and then he'll be right out, and ready to go home," the doctor smiles, her pen in her hand as she writes a few things down and hands me a paper, "this is for his anxiety. We've found out that he has panic attacks. Hopefully the prescription can help him. Tranquiline or Antidepressants, such as Paxil, Prozac, or Zoloft. Benzodiazepines, such as Ativan, Valium, or Xanax. You can pick what you think is best."

I quickly head to the waiting room as I wait for Grayson to finish his breathing test so we can head home.

"I know what you did. I used to do it too. That's why I am the way I am, I act self centered and bitchy all the time. And confident, like I have everything under control. Just know that I don't. I'm just like everyone else, forlorn and troubled. My pat still haunts me, and that is why I'm masking my true self. I just hope that you can see me differently, I'd like to have at least one person who's there for me, who's family. Because right now, I'm just alone, and I have no one. Ethan was the only one who cared, and now that he's gone, I'm back to who I was before, in the past. Broken, and forlorn, repressed," Shelly implies as she looks me straight in the eye. Sadness covering what I thought was confidence, control.

I thought wrong, apparently you can't judge a book by its cover, or even its first page.

--
"Hey, Grayson!" I smile, engulfing him in a big hug, "I got your medications."

"That's nice," he half smiles, his tone a little distant.

"What's wrong?" I ask, his eyes averting to my arm.

"This," he blurts out, his hand grabbing my arm tightly, "I told you to stop. I remember when I saw that one scar and I asked for you to stop. You said you will. What's that? A lie. You lied to me," he sighs. His hand falling to his side as my arm slams onto my thigh.

I wince, "I'm sorry, maybe you're not the only one who's going through pain. Look I don't even want to talk about this, let's just take Shelly home and go home."

The blood on my sleeves are prominent, weird stares and shocked eyes. The blood drips down my arms as doctors rush towards me.

"Need help ma'am, we can wrap you in some bandag-" the doctors is cut off abruptly.

"I'm fine, I just wanna go home."

--
After dropping Shelly off, Grayson and I head home. Silence around us, the only thing heard are crickets and the sound of wind shaking the leaves around us. The cool air touching my bare ankles and Grayson's bare arms.

"I'm sorry for the way I reacted, I just don't want you stressing yourself, I want you to always be happy. I never want you to think about self harm, because there's other positive things you can do y'know."

"Yeah, I understand, I just wanna go home and relax. After all, your test is tomorrow, you get a hearing aid!" I smile, my voice getting higher to show my excitement.

I grab his hand, and lace my fingers with his.
His eyes are connected with mine after reading my lips for the words that tumbled from my tongue. I always forget he's deaf. His words are getting better, and the way he speaks is more normal, less odd, it doesn't stand out as much.

"I can't wait for the day I get to hear what I believe is a soothing voice. The way your lips move make me think that I'd love your voice. I'd love to hear your laugh because to be completely honest with you, that's the only reason I'm getting this hearing aid. Nothing else is important to me, you're my only priority," Grayson speaks, his hand squeezing mine a little as we reach the front door.

The front door has a tint to it, like it has history.