A Life to Live

Up to now

Okay, Term 3 wasn't that bad and got a new student that a Filipina. Yay!!! So, the first week, my bday was on that Wednesday. I didn't really care if people got me presents or that they don't. All I wanted was to be happy. I got several chocolate bars from one person...

I had a birthday party on the Saturday that week and it really fun. Even though my room was a mess, it was alright. I had b-ball practice and it was fun apart the fact that my friends decided to leave it to me. Gee, I wonder what could have happened.

We were told that we could apply to be year representatives and that it was available to anyone. I joined up but it was only for fun really!! I don't mind if I get elected or not because what's the point if you get your hopes high and then you don't get it.

The few weeks have been a bit boring. My friend only talked to me for a day and decided not to talk to me anymore. I've been talking to random strangers and I have no sense of living anymore.

I have been thinking of sleeping eternally so that I won't have to face the problems. I've been depressed in a way and I've been trying to keep this happy act for everyone. My mum decided to bring up the scholarship subject again. This time, it was for a school close to my house and that it would a chance to save money for future references.

I mean, I've been thinking about it and it doesn't seem bad. My life in school has been so messed up and I'm not sure what to say or do anymore. I feel like I've been pushed away, ignored, abandoned and not needed anymore. Quite ironic, how a loner I've felt before but now, it's actually happening. Ehehehe, I shouldn't be thinking this but it just popped into my mind.

Like, how would life happen if I attended a school in Rockingham? Or, would it be alright if I just suddenly moved away? What will happen if I never fell in love? Will I just be thrown around like a rag doll? Do I really need to live?

Questions that just end up getting me depressed and lowering myself down.

Today, I don't know what happened but I was just running in the rain for 800m. Cos our teachers said that it's not that bad but after that, the boys didn't end up running.

So, after our running, a bit before recess a friend or someone had been tired. They were sent to the office and people said that they had a fever. I knew why they were like, or what might have been the reason for that.

IT'S ALL MY FCKING FAULT!!!!

Because of me, they wouldn't be sick or be like this. Because of me, my friends wouldn't be ignored or hater. Because of me, I created problems for everyone. Because of me, our group isn't what it used to me. Because of me, none of this would have happened. Because of me, my friends would all be happy together.

BECAUSE OF ME....

Everything went this way.

Because of me...
Everything messed up.

If I could have just been silent.
If I could have just been more caring.

If I would have never been born, my friends wouldn't be in this mess right now.

If I would have just died back then...

I'm crying right now, about how everything is my fault.

If only I didn't exist!!!

Things would have never been like this.

I'm taking all the blame to what's been happening and I accept it. I would accept it and just die with it now.