Random Ass Updates And Shit

(((existwntial crisis vibes)))

Note, if you are easily thrown into an existential crisis or something rhen pls dont read bc i remember last time i was feeling down i said something and it made someone feel weird so ye i dont want that

Idek i was having a decent day i even learnt ride on the uke and it was noice and i wrote a bit of the next chapter of my fic and the writing wasn't so smooth like i had to force myself a bit which made me feel like the writing is really shitty and this writing thing has been going on for like 3 days and i just feel like the glint of hope that i might not be a completely shitty writer just disappeared

So i thought idk maybe i should draw or something i mean im not that bad at it right

Fucking wrong okay

I know im better with pen at sketches but i thoigh idc there's no difference so i grabbed the closest notebook since i cant find my sketchbook and a pencil and tried to start drawing and it looked like literal garbage you dont even understand

And the problem is that people would thing im joking wjen they see my decent art work in my art book but i feel like i have no control over when im good or bad

I tried doing another sketch and again it looked like absolute shit so i just went into an existential crisis of uselessness and self loathing

Tbh it's kinda shit when you dont have something you're good at

Like you see those friends, some are really good at art, some are just really good looking with no effort, some know about every pokemon out there or football player, some stand out due to their strong character, some are good at sport and some tell the best jokes, and im just there like i dont have that one good thing about me and it's fucking shit bc you just feel worthless when you look at everyone around you

But the problem is that i do a lot of shit, liek i play the uke, i sometimes art decently, i after all do write a fic, im the debate captain (well the previous one), my grades aren't as low as my self esteem, and im deputee headgirl and idk maybe i once spread awareness for FGM and shit but none of things are my thing, something im exceptionally good at, or maybe my self esteem is just clouding my judgement but it feels like just the same thing like i just feel so useless and worthless and fat right now it's unreal

I actually want to achieve something in life, i want to have an impact in a better way than being an ordinary (hopefully) barrister just sitting there and going to court

I want to make a bigger change

But it sucks bc most of tge time i just think so low of myself that im scared that'll prevent me from achieving anything

Sigh, i just needed to let it out bc i kind of dont have someone to talk to rn

Well there's one person but i dont wanna annoy her bc people have their own shit going on

I swear it's not always gonna be this depressing

You guys dont even have to say anything this was just me letting things out

Also before you leave this chapter, let's just forget about all of this, yeah?

Thanks, bye and thanks again if you acc read that

- Lydia <3