Can't - Mark Tuan Fan fic

15 - Mark II

Why did I kiss her? I don't know either. It just....I just did. At that time, I wanted nothing else but to touch her lips with mine. The only thing on my mind at that time was her mouth moving with mine, the taste of her lips, how much I wanted to take her to bed. 

After that? Awkward...Very. 

Until now, I keep on thinking about it. Of all the people who I can easily take with me, girls openly flirting, why her? 

Lara. She's sick and I do this. Who wouldn't hate me at this moment? 

I'm not afraid that Cristina would talk, she wouldn't want to hurt Lara by telling her what just happened. I'm just feeling very, very, very...to the hundredth power...guilty. 

I love her. I really do. I wouldn't be here if I didn't. I wouldn't have controlled myself with other girls if I didn't want to be loyal to her. 

But, all my principles went down the drain that night. 

To be honest, Lara was the first girl I've stayed faithful to for months. I just didn't want her getting hurt. Her bad experiences are enough to destroy her, I didn't want to be part of her problems. 

I was relieved when Cristina thought the same as I did and just took it as a mistake, forgetting about it. 

I planned on letting it pass. But, the day after that, I saw Angie at the kitchen, looking panicky. She told me Cristina wouldn't stop crying. 

I suddenly felt guilty. My first thought was the kiss. I wanted to comfort her and remind her that it was both our fault, that she shouldn't be burdened by it on her own. 

But, when I got there, she's in Junior's arms. Of course. They like each other. Who else would she run to, but to him. Then, she uses his room to cry some more. 

I felt a very unfamiliar pain deep inside. I've never had this kind of feeling before, so I'm not sure what it really was. But, at that time, I wanted her to cry on my shoulder. I was her friend first anyway....maybe not that friendly. 

Even if I knew she was talking to Lara when I entered the room, that didn't bother me.  I took the opportunity to talk to her. As expected, she laughed it off. 

I thought, after that, we would go back to being buddies. But, as days pass by, I noticed how she tried to avoid me. It would've been for the best. But, the less I see her, the more I feel depressed. 

Since Lara isn't with me, I thought this trip was for nothing. But, ever since Cristina and I had become more friendly to each other, I wanted to give this another try. 

So, after days of seeing her for only seconds a day, I feel like quitting again. It's something I never knew I was. I can't be alone....that must be it. I am so used to always having someone beside me that it's hard for me to live when I'm by myself. 

I still tried my best during the evaluation though. I wouldn't want to let Lara down. I also want to prove to my dad that I made the right decision. 

However, it seems like Cristina wants me totally out of her life. I want to regret kissing her that night because that created this big gap between us. But, deep inside, why can't I? 

"What's in it with you anyway?" She says. "We weren't in good terms from the start anyway. Can't we just leave it at that?"

"I can't." I really can't. I need her. 

"Why because of La..." I know she's gonna say that Lara is the reason that I can't, but.....

"I can't do this without you, ok? Just....please." I answer with all my heart. I am trying my best to make her stay with me.