Can't - Mark Tuan Fan fic

23 - Mark IV

The first time I saw Cristina, I was really shocked on how different she was from how Lara described her. She had the brightest smile and the most innocent jokes. She was carefree...just a kid enjoying her life. 

But, when I see her leave the door, her shoulders slumped, her smile gone, the tears keep flowing down her eyes, I think that the cheerful Cristina is gone. All I see is a girl who seems to be carrying a lot of burden on her shoulders. How much I would want to see her at least crack a smile again. 

I run down the stairs after her. "Cristina!" I manage to get a hold of her hand before she could get in the taxi. "Where are you going?"

"I need to go home." She says. She tries to remove her hand but I hold onto it tighter. 

"Don't go. Please." My tears are now running down my cheeks. "Don't leave. Not now. Not like this." I don't want her to leave. I don't know if I can go through my stay in Korea without her. 

"Mark....Don't...I can't stay here. I have to go."

"Even for me?" I take her lips in mine. Although I know I wouldn't be able to change her mind, I still try. 

Unlike before, she doesn't give back the kiss. Instead, she takes a step back. "What?"

"Why are you leaving?"

"Why?" She looks angry and sad at the same time. "You think this is just as simple as fucking and feeling guilty?" I didn't really mean it that way, but, I think that's how she understood it. "I'm leaving because I have to."

"Don't you even want to know how I really feel?" Before we part, I want her to know how much I like her. I want her to feel that I am here for her. That even if she said she doesn't need anyone, I'll still be willing to do anything to make her feel better and remove her worries. 

"I don't care what you feel, Mark!" She shouts. "Do you only think of yourself? Are you the only person here? Why would I stay for you? So you could mess me up more? So you would have someone to kiss? To fuck?" 

Maybe I'm doing this all wrong? She's misunderstanding my every action, every move. 

"Damn it, Mark! Let me say it again if you still didn't understand me the first time. LEAVE. ME. THE. FUCK. ALONE." 

Am I really being selfish here? If I leave her alone and let her go, would that make her feel better? 

Would it make me feel better to leave her alone, knowing that the best friend she trusted for so long lied to her? 

Honestly? It wouldn't. But, I have to respect her decision. 

I don't know how far I've fallen or how deep my feelings are for her. But, without her here, I'm even more lost now than when I gave Lara up. 

With a very heavy heart, I reenter the empty house. My feet take me to the second floor where her room is - the last place I should be in right now. 

I plop myself on her bed, grabbing her teddy bear and hugging it on my chest as I stare up at the ceiling, thinking of how I just let her slip out of my grasp. 

I start on reflecting on what I've done to her in the past, how I treated her and how I almost cursed her to eternity of hell. Most especially when I just fucked her for the sake of getting my revenge. 

But, just like in any story you must have read, I've realized how much I really want her too late. If I knew I would be feeling this for her, I shouldn't have done the things I did. I should've treated her better - something she deserves. 

The feeling of being left behind by somebody you really care about is too much to endure and something that is not new to me. I've lost my best friend when I was 17. He died in a car accident just days after his birthday - and I was driving it. For months I've cried myself to sleep. It took me a couple of years to recover from it.