A Stronger Love (Jacquees) [Discontinued]

Letting Go of What Never Was.

LaToya's Point of View ~ Tuesday, 4:54am

I walk downstairs for the tenth time, my favorite coffee mug at hand. I look around the large living room, hating the feeling that this house was always so empty. My robe dragged on the floor as I made it to the bottom, making my way down the hall. Once I got to the end of the hall, I took the staircase down to the basement and flicked on the lights. I came to my favorite room of the house, the studio.

Stepping inside, I looked around trying to familiarize myself with the area because even though it's my favorite.. I barely come down here. I rested my mug down before going into the actual booth and sitting at my grand piano. I messed with the keys a little, not really knowing what else to do. I have not yet slept and whenever I try to, I can't seem to keep still. My eyes are heavy and my body is tired.

Once a song actually came to mind, I tried to remember the chords before actually beginning to play. "I see us in the park, strolling the summer days of imagining in my head. And words from our hearts, told only to the wind, felt even without being said. I don't wanna bore you with my trouble. But there's something about your love that makes me weak and knocks me off my feet.. There's something about your love that makes me weak and knocks me off my feet.."

I paused in the middle of the verse as Jacquees crept into my mind. I don't even know why I'm thinking about him. Honestly, I feel the need to let him go because the idea of being with him while he has a girlfriend is stupid. He's probably just doing all this for the sex anyway. Maybe Cheyenne can't put it down like I can. The thought makes me laugh just as something else comes to mind. What am I even doing with Jacquees? What is this relationship of ours?

One minute I am positive that we're only co-parenting but the next minute, I'm laying up with a man who's in a relationship. I sighed, wondering how I even came to the conclusion that somehow this would work. I mean, we're divorced. I thought divorced people aren't supposed to engaged in sexual activities anymore. Unless.. they love each other. Bullsh-t. Of course, just about everyone knows I still love Jacquees. I probably will never stop loving him. I am pulled to him by some kind of force that I have never been able to explain.

The crazy and saddening part about all this is that I know he doesn't love me. If he did, he would've dropped Cheyenne for me. That's what he did to Zonnique when he fell for me in high school. I guess while I was here in Atlanta, working on my career and trying my best to stick to co-parenting, he fell out of love with me. It could have only been then because when I got out of prison, he still loved me. It was a relief but a burden on my heart all the same.

Now here I am; In the darkness of my studio thinking of someone who doesn't love me. I know it too. I see the way he looks at her in the pictures. I know those eyes. He used to give me the same look but now, someone more deserving gets it. I understand, he needs someone who can be there all the time. Someone who makes him feel loved all the time. I couldn't do that, I was too consumed by my work and fighting. I did my best when it came to family though. Clearly, my best wasn't enough for the likes of Jacquees.

I'm tired of waiting but then even though I may stop waiting, my heart would still be holding on while my mind tries to cloud my feelings with thoughts of the new album, tour dates and studio sessions. I tightly shut my eyes, not wanting to cry. I've been strong lately and I'm not in the mood for breaking down, my heart can't take it. As if I needed to be disturbed, my phone vibrates in the small pocket of my shorts. I pull it out to see that it's a text from the man of the hour.

Jacquees: I know you're not awake but I just want to apologize for ignoring you and for overreacting. Like I said, we really need to talk..
LaToya: It's not a big deal, I'm over it.
Jacquees: You still haven't said anything about us needing to talk..
LaToya: Sure, we can talk about the problem with the twins.
Jacquees: That's not the only thing we need to talk about.
LaToya: It's the only thing worth talking about.
Jacquees: What's up with the attitude?
LaToya: Nothing.
Jacquees: Tell me what's wrong.
LaToya: Jacquees, no.
Jacquees: Please..
LaToya: I just feel the need to distance myself.
Jacquees: Baby, why?
LaToya: That's exactly why.
Jacquees: What? You are my baby though..
LaToya: Lol, no. I'm not.
Jacquees: What's so funny?
LaToya: The fact that you are probably doing this with other girls too.
Jacquees: So, you're saying that I'm a cheater?
LaToya: You already are since you're committed to Cheyenne but you slept with me.
Jacqueesb: Oh, so now it's a problem for you?
LaToya: No, it was my foolish mistake.
Jacquees: How is love a mistake?
LaToya: You don't love me, Jacquees.