Dreams

9/12/2017, 2:15 am,

Dear true love,

I don't know if you are tall, or if you have long fingers, i don't know if you have dimples in your cheek, i don't know if you will love poetry the way i do. I don't know if you will understand my paintings and its hidden colors.

But i know this that, when it's true love, my expectations doesn't matter. You might not have anything i expect in a partner, but you would be everything i actually wanted.

You need not have a car, i just want you to love walking with me. You need not love novels or poems, i just want you to love me in a way such that i would never be forgotten. You need not have great taste in art, you need not understand van gogh' s paintings, but i hope you will always understand my silence.

I have met lots of people, i had crush on some too. But never in my life, i had a love story. I always rush into things. I am scared about my future. I am very possessive. I am sensitive. I do so much for people i love. I expect a lot too. I trust people and get hurt.

But let me tell you this, my efforts were seen as torture. I was scared of doing anything again.

But i hope, you will give me, the time and the care which i was expecting from a love. I hope you will surprise me everyday. I hope, you would love my efforts to love you.

I learnt very late that, there are two ways of loving, the right way and the wrong way. Alas, i never knew the right way to love or to express it. All i knew was that, my feelings were true and i was true to what i felt. I love to be in love. I never hid it. And that's why it became the wrong way. I was so eager to tell him about what i felt for him and that was seen as forcing him to like me.

The heart expresses its love in a way it knows, and how can one's expression of love be defined as right or wrong, doesn't it matter if that love is true or not?

I am tired of running in search of love. I am tired of texting first. I am tired of crying, i am tired of making myself pathetic again and again. I am tired of being the only one with the hope for a future relationship.

And then there were some, who were running behind me. They would text me and talk with me, they wanted to be with me, not out of love, but out of loneliness. I was not able to see a future with him. The kind of warmth i expected was never found. I rejected anything which felt as nothing but a time pass.

Maybe its karma that, whoever i loved always loved someone else and that the people who i thought as could be "the one", were either running behind someone else or i was running behind a guy who didn't deserve me.

It ended every time and i carried it. There are two ways of getting over the feelings that we have for someone, the first one, the hardest way is to accept that the person is gone and to face reality, and slowly kill the feelings day by day. The pain fades away slowly and hopes begins to grow.

Then there is a second one, the easiest way, which is to lie to yourself that your feelings were fake and what you felt was completely created by you. Just make yourself a complete idiot for believing simple feelings as crush or love.

I always did the second one , because people around me always told me that what i did was not love. sometimes i question myself, when a boy has feelings over a girl and when he confesses his feelings to that girl, his feelings are true. And when a girl takes the first step, its stupid and her feelings were created by herself. This hurt that your feelings were fake was more painful that killing your feelings.

I really don't know if it was love or not, but you are here now, reading this, because finally i believe, i found my love.

Will you be the first to confess to me? Will you be interested to hear about my childhood stories?
Will you love me for who i am?

Because honey, even if i love you, i wouldn't be the first to say it. Thanks to all the bad experiences i had before. I am sorry, that i didn't tell you how i felt, the minute i started to love you, i am sorry if i didn't take the first step.

I am a mess, i have scars. I am a total fighter. I have nightmares and dreams. I have so many aims. I am learning to love myself and my loneliness.

You know what i want from you?, be my support, be my motivation. You be my inspiration for waking up everyday from my bed, you be my strength to face the world together. Stand with me. Travel with me. Love me.

In this world of selfish people, let's be selfless to each other.

Give me the promise to stay with me, i will love you with everything i have.

Let's grow together, lets fight together , let's argue and let's love each other. Tell me all your stories. Let me be a part of your friends and family, and you be a part of my world. Show me how beautiful i am, show me your world.  I swear to make it more beautiful. I will love all your scars and fears.

I don't believe in locking you up. But i always believe that you will come back to me,everytime. But promise me to, never make me feel insecure about myself or our relationship.

Let's lie down on a grass lawn and gaze at the stars, let's eat out on street foods. Let's be best friends before lovers.

My life right now, is fine. I have friends and i do everything that i want. I am trying to not miss any moment. From dj nights to competitions, i am doing everything. Sometimes, i am all alone and sometimes, i am alone even when i am with people. I started to trust less people. I am making my circle small and smaller.

At  times, i dread living my life. Its difficult as hell. But it is going to be fine, right?

I have too many lessons to learn yet. When i meet you, i don't even know if i will be the same person i am today. Maybe, i will talk less, maybe i will share very less. Maybe, i will not trust you in the beginning.

But you will break through all those barriers.

I feel totally ridiculous to even type this now. But somewhere in this world, right now, i hope you are searching for me too.

Let's meet soon and create memories. Yeah, our future together is another story, which we will discuss after we meet.

They say, love comes into our lives, when we least expect it to. But here i am looking at the clock and waiting each minute.

For all the kisses and the love that we are yet to share, please step into my life soon. We don't have 200 years to live in this planet, and each day we spend waiting can't be got back.

For all the kisses and the love that we missed till now, i hope you clear that balance before thinking about future.

Yours,

Stranger yet to love.

P. S. I love you.

4:00 am