Tough Girl Out, Soft Girl In

Chapter 37

I can do this. It will all be okay.

I stared at my reflection in the mirror. My hands gripped the sides of the sink. My hair was stuck to my face from my sweat. My heart was thumping against my chest. And my eyes were filled with tears.

Selena, my 'father', and their daughter were asleep, and completely unaware of what was going on.

I stood in front of my mirror for about two hours, contemplating whether or not I should carry on with my plan. I just stared at myself, contemplating whether the face I was starting at should still...

I let out a whimper. I was really thinking about this. I was really doing the actions. I was so weak, I couldn't handle anything. Anything in my life, I backed away. I freaked out.

And worse,all they did was bully me. And now I was doing this?

But that's the thing, I guess. Why stay in a hurtful and dangerous world where you can't handle the smallest things? Because none of it will ever stop. It was going to continue to throw danger after danger, and obviously I wouldn't be able to handle it.

Because, I was a coward. Coward, coward, coward.

Wasn't this my second time trying this? Maybe this would be the last. Maybe I'd succeed today.

I shut my eyes while the tears slipped down.

What was my use here? Everyone seemed to hate me. My mom was dead. My father hated me. I had no real family, except for one. I had no friends, except for none.

I had no life. I wasn't living any. All I did was walk around in my own worthless and hurtful thoughts.

The only person that would hurt from my departure was my grandmother. I did t like doing this to her. She didn't deserve it.

But, that's how it had to be anyway. One day, you come, and the next, you leave.

Nanna would have to understand that. I knew she would. She probably already did. After all, she had lost her own daughter.

She would be alright. She knows she shoukd move in. She would and she would be alright. She wouldn't be alone. She had her friends and still had some of her family left over.

I'd miss her though.

I glanced over at the note I left for her. I hoped once my father or Selena found me, they would see it and take it to her. I had spent half an hour in the bathroom writing the letter.

My eyes wondered back to my mirror.

This wasn't going to be a thing anymore, I thought as I looked at my face.

I moved my head around as I studied my facial features. I was a pretty girl, I guess...

Suddenly, I felt anger boil in my stomach.

What's the use in being pretty?!!! Why an I thinking of this crap?!! When everyone hated you, when everyone despised you, when everyone treated you as if you were mistake, when you had almost no one on your side - what was the use in being pretty?

It's funny how jealous I was of Asia because of her beauty. No one would be missing my face because I was a little pretty.

After all, did they did not tell me to kill myself.

And I wasn't doing them the favor. Never. I wasn't killing myself. I was going to free myself from my pain. From my cowardice, my unusefulness, my ugliness, my dirtiness, my lonliness.

I was freeing myself from this world.

It wasn't a matter of 'I didn't deserve this world'.  It was a matter of 'this world didn't deserve me'. This world was an ugly and disgusting place to live in. Even though I was completely a dirty and unuseful human being, it's what this world made of me. If I was never born in it, I wouldn't be like that. If I was gone from it, I couldn't be like that.

A chill went down my whole body when I felt the plastic surrounding my pills. It's like my body knew what was going to happen.

Someone crossed my mind. I forced him away. If I didn't, I wouldn't be able to do what was right.

I stared into my own meaningless eyes. I brought one pill to my mouth. I swallowed.

Free, you're almost free...

Another pill. It slid easily down my throat.

I'd see my mom....

That thought sent a shock down my body. And without thinking, I let about seven pills fall down unto my hand. Mother, I'd see mother. I missed her so much!

I stared at the pills on my hand. This was it. This would do the job. I brought them quickly to my lips.

I fell suddely, not before I felt the door of my bathroom suddenly budge.

My eyes shut tightly and everything suddenly slipped into a deep and long darkness.