the kissing project :: lrh

"--i'll see you tomorrow. right?"

i won't lie anymore. not to myself, not to anyone who asks. nobody. have you ever shaken up a bottle of soda, to where all it is is fizz and just left it; waiting for it to just explode? well, that's love. or, even better - being in love. in my eyes, at least. that's what it was like to love luke. and of course i fucking despised it, but where was lying to my own self gonna get me?

if i was asked to pinpoint the moment i fell in love with luke, it would easily flow out of my mouth. when he told me i wasn't just anyone. when he stood up for me. i always had a thing for luke, that's why i hated his fucking guts, plus him and his crew tormenting me. i don't know why i liked him in that way, it just happened. even now, it feels like everything happened so fast, but life happens in a blink of an eye. you love quickly, there's nothing wrong with that. except for the fact love scared the living shit out of me.

every time luke touched me, i'd roll my eyes or tug away. when he'd care, i'd do anything in my power to just make him upset with me for the day so he wouldn't. anytime he'd say he loved me, i'd let out a barely audible 'love you too,' followed by a groan. when he'd buy me things, i'd make him feel bad because i'd just kind of grin and tell him he could take it back. he'd pay for my stuff sometimes, and i'd throw a public fit about how he wouldn't let me be independent, even though in all of this, he was just being a good boyfriend. or trying. i'd listen to songs from my favorite bands, and anytime they'd mention a non-giving partner, i'd almost breakdown. they would describe me perfectly. i know, i know - my whole plan was to ruin him in the first place, why complain?

because you don't do that to someone you love. or admit to loving finally. so why was i pushing him. away? because love scared me. needing someone scared me.

i always had this feeling where i knew, i just knew he would leave me. i couldn't show neediness. i couldn't show affection. i couldn't have him thinking i needed him. i wanted to love him. that's all i wanted, i wanted to scream at him how much i love him - but i couldn't. doing that would've made me feel naked, in a sense. pushing him away was my clothes, and showing him any kind of affection back would've been stripping them off in front of a whole building full of people. i just wanted to think that if i did enough pushing, he'd see he didn't wanna be with me.

i was also afraid of him seeing me. all of me. happy me, sad me, angry me, confused me, depressed me, platonically murderous me, overwhelmed me, excited me, hurt me, ecstatic me. but for some reason I couldn't just leave him either, probably because i fucking needed him. and even though i was hurting him as was, i couldn't place myself loving him and leaving him, he didn't deserve what was i doing. he deserved better, he deserved someone who wasn't such a bitch, but he wouldn't leave either. we were both too stubborn to make a move, so i just planted us roots in the ground and we stayed there. we didn't grow, we stayed roots.

"hey, lovebunny," he ran into my room with wide eyes and a huge cheesy smile. "i have news."

i nodded. "good or bad?"

he shrugged a bit, still smiling widely. "well, the guys came to their senses and they want me back in the band. they want me on their tour. actually, need. they begged me to come back, it was honestly a beautiful sight. i might've shed a tear or two."

"and... and you agreed? you said yes?" i questioned.

"i mean, yeah. music is my life, harls. i can't just pass up a tour. it's not big, a few cities but, nothing major. and they promised to get along with you. i told them i wouldn't do it if they treated you badly, so please don't think i would do that. i love you, not a single person is gonna badmouth you around me." he replied and took my hand.

"so you're... you'll be... i'm gonna... have fun, luke. i know how passionate you are about that kinda stuff." i smiled faintly, not being able to face him, but not being able to tell him how i felt either.

i didn't want him to leave me, who knows how long he'd be gone. i knew he deserved much better than me, and i wanted him to find it, but knowing there could be an open window scared the hell out of me. a part of me was a jealous ass piece of trash, that wanted to claim luke and was afraid he'd find better. but again, i was also afraid to need or be needed. so i just had to suck it up and let him leave.

"hey, are you okay? talk to me, baby. i have ears for a reason,"

i shook my head, continuing to smile. "no no, i'm fine. it's just getting late, i don't want mom to kick you out. again. you should get going."

"but i just got here, we were supposed to-"

i cut him off with a quick kiss and motioned toward my bedroom door. "i'll see you tomorrow. right?"

he nodded and did a sign language 'i love you,' then went on his way.

do you know what it's like for the love of your life to walk away? well try having the love of your life stay right by your side, and you walk away, or try, because you're a fucking idiot.

at this time, luke would be leaving in two weeks, and would be on his mini tour for the same amount of time. i had this awful feeling in my stomach, thinking about him with another girl. thinking of him moving on. thinking of him realizing how horrible i am, knowing the guys would surely get in his head. wasn't that what i wanted all along, though? why was i dwelling on it so much? i wasn't supposed to care, or worry, or feel anything. but i felt everything, and it felt like i was stabbing myself in the chest, and i knew how to remove the knife, but i just let myself bleed. i was hoping to bleed out eventually, no one gets what they want.

i looked down to my phone, with instagram still up. for some reason, i was following one of luke's exes, probably from stalking her and accidentally hitting follow. i couldn't help but to laugh like an insane person when seeing a photo of her and luke together. it wasn't old, a 'throwback' as you might say. it was recent. from that very day, even. i could tell by his messy hair and flannel. she was so close to him, and his smile... i knew that fucking smile. it was more like a smirk, and he'd always make it when he could tell he'd made me blush. i wanted to burst into flames, but i didn't.

i sat there. on my bed. quietly. figuring out how to make setting a girl's hair on fire an accident.

-

k i know i ALWAYS say this but this chapter is ugly but holy SHIT my dudes

it's gonna get very shooky v soon u gonna be soooo shook im shook just thinking about it

ANYWAYS flannel! luke im weak

pls vote if u feel like this was worthy of it maybe comment cuz they make me excited it's up to u

thank yall for continuing the support for this it's wild?? i got mad love for all of you cute lil angels

pce