Pink {H.S.}

Chapter Five

Chapter Five

Dear Diary,

My therapist suggested that I try this. You know, writing a diary. I think it’s stupid, but I trust her.

What am I even supposed to write about? Hold on.

Okay, I’m back. I looked up what to write in a diary. Most suggested that I just write about what’s going on in my life. So here goes.

My name is Harry Styles. I had a wife named Amanda, and a son named Jase. I had a great marrige, and everything seemed perfect. But then, Amanda was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was hard on all of us. Jase was only about two and he didn’t understand. And I didn’t understand how to tell him either. I mean, how could I?

She overcame it eventually, and I felt so blessed. But then, about a year later, she was diagnosed again. And she fought so hard, but she just couldn’t do it anymore. And she passed away. And I was left to raise a three year old by myself.

I tried to do my best, and I thought I was fine. But I really wasn’t. I wasn’t over my wife. That makes sense though right? I mean, I had been going out with her since grade nine.  I had married her when I was only twenty one. We had had a kid together when we were both twenty two. And so I wasn’t just going to get over her overnight.

I tried to see other women. I knew it was probably what she would have wanted. I mean, she wouldn’t have wanted me to be alone- not counting Jase- for the rest of my life would she have? But whenever I was with someone else, I felt like I was cheating on her. And I knew it was stupid. And I knew I shouldn’t feel like this. And yet, I still did. And I hated every moment of every date that I had. I began to feel like this was how it would be for the rest of my life. No one seemed to be able to make me feel like she did when I was around her.

And I began to hate every moment of every day. Jase was the only one who could bring happiness to me anymore. When he turned four, I knew that I was going to have to enroll him into preschool, and that after I did he wouldn’t be around as much anymore. So a month before he started, I met with a grief counselor.

And she helped, a bit. But she told me that there was only so much she could do, and so she sent me to a therapist. She told me that maybe it was a little more than just grief, and that maybe Amanda dying had just amplified whatever ever I was feeling so that I took her passing harder than I should have.

And so here I am. Taking the therapist’s advice, and writing in a diary. And no, I don’t care that saying “diary” makes me sound like a thirteen year old girl.

I try to seem happy, and positive for the sake of Jase, and I always try to make him smile, and to smile when I’m around him, but it’s just hard, you know? I don’t want him to grow up with a dad who’s sad all the time, but on the other hand, I’m not sure how long I can keep up this happy routine.

And I don’t want to come off sounding like one of those people that’s sad all the time, because truth be told, I’m not. I’m happier when it’s just me and Jase, because it’s easier. But when were in public, it’s harder. Except when I’m at the preschool. Or really just around her at all. Maybe I should tell you who “her” is. I mean, that’s an important thing about my life, isn’t it?

“Her” is a woman named Delilah. I think she’s around my age, and she can’t be over twenty eight. She’s a little bit shorter than me, which is cool, because I don’t like being the shortest one in a relationship. You know, if we ever were in a relationship. Which I would like. Very much.

It’s weird, because she’s the only one I can be around without feeling guilty. I don’t get it, but I think I just heard Jase come in the front door, so I guess that’s it for now. I do feel a tiny bit better, so I’ll write again soon hopefully.

*~*~*~*

Hey guys! Hope you liked that chapter, cause I had a hell of a time trying to get it up. The first time I tried to upload it, my computer crashed and the entire chapter was deleted. So I had to re-write a lot of stuff. I tried to show you inside his head as much as I could, and so I hoped it went alright. As always,

Edited: 29/7