Falling Walls (III)

Chapter 25

Outside, Tom was standing on the kerbside in the shadow of a street lamp, surrounded by the darkness of an early spring night, breathing heavily. It seemed like he looked straight through me. Before I could reach him, he stretched his hand out to stop an approaching taxi.

"Where are you going, Tom? What's the matter?" He was scaring me. Never had I seen him in such a frantic state.

With his hand on the handle of the open taxi door, Tom turned his head towards me: "I asked you for one thing. One thing, Lisa. You couldn't just drop it." And with that, Tom climbed into the taxi and I was left speechless, watching him disappear into the night.

A hand on my shoulder brought me back to my senses. When I turned, I looked into Eva's grey eyes. "Is everything alright, Ms Herzig," she asked me in the same calm and confident voice she had used when presenting her speech inside.

"Em, what, excuse me?" I was confused, shattered and desperate.

"He'll be okay," she tried to assure me.

"Excuse me, but what are you talking about?" I didn't wait for her to answer. "I need to go," I told myself more then her, turning my back and walking down the empty road in the direction Tom's taxi had left in. His car was parked somewhere behind the library but I had no key. I suddenly felt relieved that in the state he was in he had taken a taxi and didn't drive home. My thoughts were a complete mess as my feet began to hurt and I could feel a first blister appear on my left heel. I had no idea where I was walking, being unfamiliar with the city, when another taxi approached on the opposite side of the road. Deciding that taking a taxi was the only way I'd get home I waved at it but whether the driver saw me or not, the taxi continued in the opposite direction. With the back of my shoe digging deeper and deeper into my heel, I stopped, took off both my shoes and waited until another taxi came by on my side of the road to take me home.

During the ride, I tried several times to call Tom's phone but it went straight to voicemail. After leaving three messages, I started hanging up as soon as his recorded voice greeted me.
I let the driver drop me off at Tom's apartment. With my set of keys and the security code he had given me, I let myself in, expecting to find Tom, but the place was dark and empty. He'd be there soon, I was sure of it. For a moment I considered looking at Jan's place but I was worried about the kids seeing me in the desperate state I was in and that I would probably burst out in tears the moment someone asked me about Tom or how the evening went. I sat down on the lounge, trying in vain to relax, and that's when the tears came. My entire body shook and I nearly didn't hear my phone ring in my bag. Hopeful, I wiped the tears away but when the blurry display revealed my mum's name, I dropped the phone onto the seat next to me.

What has just happened there? Nothing made sense. I had given Tom the chance to stay home. He had been the one who had made the final decision for us to attend the Meet the Author session. I tried again to call him, without success. After more and more brooding, and when finally feeling composed enough, I decided to pick up the children.

The twins and Jan seemed to have had a great time. I was just about to ask Jan if he had heard from Tom, when he asked me where Tom was. So he doesn't know anything. "He had to go to the office," I lied, before leaving with the kids. Tom was probably letting off steam somewhere, I thought: The office, gym, maybe he's having a drink or two. He'll be fine when he gets home and then we'll talk. These thoughts buzzed around my head while the kids told me about their evening. I answered with occasional "mhm's," hoping they were appropriate.

I needed peace and quiet with no one around me, so I allowed the kids to watch some TV and told them good-night. Lying awake in bed, I heard every word and sound from the movie the twins were watching. I heard them turning off the television and walking into their bedrooms. I heard the tap turn on and off in the bathroom and the light turn on, then off. I heard the silence. I never knew silence could be so loud. Not a single clear thought formed in my brain. Several times I thought I heard the front door open, but it had only been my imagination. I watched the clock on the bedside table on Tom's side of the bed, waiting through endless long minutes for the red glowing numbers in the dark to change. Where is Tom?

Closing my eyes, I tried to recount the events of the evening. Why had Tom suddenly been so weird? What triggered him to just run out of the session and why had he been so angry with me? I had no explanation. Maybe Eva talking about missing children had triggered his flight reaction. Eva. I couldn't clearly remember, but had she known my name out there in the dark?

I could feel sleep hovering above me, ready to take me into a place where I could have a break from all this. In the morning, Tom would be there and all would be good. But sleep never came. At six o'clock I climbed out of bed, feeling like I had the biggest hangover.

Tom hadn't come home. He didn't even try to call me. I was just sitting at the kitchen table, rubbing my eyes with both my hands, while my coffee cooled down in front of me, when Sam walked up behind me with a cheerful "Good morning, mum."

I had no idea what to do. Emma soon joined us in the kitchen and the two of them happily chatted away. I had to get my act together, so I forced myself to give the kids the attention they deserved. After a cup of coffee and some laughs with the twins, I felt much better. I made myself another coffee, glad I now knew how to operate the coffee machine and decided to follow the same routine I would have if Tom was there. After all, there was a chance Tom would be in the office.