Falling Walls (III)

Chapter 35

On the inside, I was screaming. How selfish could one be. I'll just take off three months to hike through half of Europe on the route of some Saint while pregnant fiancé is worried to death.  Selfish bastard. Selfish, selfish, selfish. 

Over the past week I had fought with thoughts of Tom having left me. I had fought with thoughts that something terrible had happened to Tom. Never had I thought that he had taken off for a few months to "find himself". I was angry.  I was so angry that I nearly smashed my phone on to the floor, again.  But then I had a flashback of the inconvenience it caused me the last time.  So I grabbed the mug in front of me instead.  The smash brought me back out of my anger. I was turning into a violent, angry person, someone I didn't want to be. 

I called Dave. He would be able to bring some perspective to it. Dave, however, didn't pick up. I hung up before his voicemail answered.  Without second thought, I dialled Hannah's number.
Hearing her voice, I couldn't even remember why we hadn't spoken in such a long time. It was a bit strange at first, but soon I felt the familiar connection we've had before Tom.

"What do you mean, he's left to do the Camino de Santiago?" Unlike the last times I had spoken to her, there was no judgement in her voice.  It was curiosity, interest, maybe a bit of surprise.
"He'll be gone for a couple of weeks," I explained to her, waiting for an outburst of hers to confirm my feelings that Tom's behaviours was just selfish. But it didn't come. "...finding himself," I continued.
"Yes, I heard about it - the walk."
Why was Hannah so calm? I wanted her to tell me how ridiculous Tom was. I wanted her to tell me to come home. Instead, she was so calm and factual about it.
"How do you feel about it," Hannah continued.
"I'm angry. I'm so angry."
"Because he's gone without you? Or because he didn't tell you?" Thinking about it, I didn't really know. 
"Both, I guess," I admitted honestly.
I heard Hannah's deep sigh on the other end of the line, the one she uses when she's holding back.
"Tell me what you really think, Hannah.  Please, I need to hear it. You've always been honest with me."
There was a pause, then Hannah cleared her throat.
"You always told me that Tom has been through a lot.  He probably needs to figure this one out. I know you want to be part of it, but I don't think you can."

That was not what I had hoped for.  I didn't know how to respond.  Before I could grasp a clear thought, Hannah surprised me even more.
"I quit my job last month. I'm seeing up my own business. I had a bit of a run in with my boss. Long story.  -
Why don't I come over to Europe and we do the Camino. I've always wanted to do it. I've heard so much about the walk."
I couldn't believe she quit her job.  I couldn't believe she suggested us going on the walk. There was no way I could leave the kids alone any longer. 
"And what about Scott?" I didn't think she would leave her new flame for such a long time.
"All is great with Scott.  I decided to look after myself in this relationship, and Scott supports that.  He'll be happy for me to go."
Hannah was way ahead of me in her relationship and I admired her for that.  She was right.  I should do something for myself.

"Okay, let's do it," I agreed, feeling both relieved and foolish about my decision.

The next few days I spent talking to Dave and arranging the trip while waiting for Hannah to arrive. As the time went on, I became more and more nervous.  Would I see Tom along the route? No, that would be nearly impossible. Was it too risky to do this, being pregnant and all? Morning sickness had started kicking in and I was unsure of how this would all go. Was I being selfish?

The moment Hannah arrived, she wiped away all my doubts. We spent the evening sitting on the balcony, overlooking the lake, glistening in the moonshine. "You have to look after yourself before you can look after anyone else."

The following morning, the sun was just coming up behind the mountain range, encasing the sky in a soft pink and yellow, Hannah and I stepped out the door, each carrying a backpack with only some necessities. Fog was rising in front of the grey giants on the horizon. The air smelled fresh and I felt free. A last time I checked that I had my phone and wallet. After some discussion the night before I won the argument over our accommodation and we would be staying in hotels and not the traditional shabby hostels.

I smiled to myself as I pulled the door close behind me. Is this how Tom felt when he left? Free? Adventurous?

We walked along the banks of the lake, along narrow paths and meadows, then another lake. The endless stretches of mountains didn't seem to change, a constant sight surrounding us. Hannah and I enjoyed each other's company and I loved hearing all about what had happened with her and Scott after I left for India and Germany and I laughed more in that one morning then I had in the entire past weeks.
After a three hour walk we had a break in Majora, overlooking another lake with colorful boats anchored quietly along the shore, then we continued walking. When we stopped for lunch at a small cafe, I started doubting if the trip we were on was really such a good idea. It had been the same scenery all day, and while I was certain the landscape would soon change, I started feeling off. I convinced myself that I would feel better once we were back walking, and indeed I managed to push my worries aside. 

By four o'clock we booked into a hotel. I was tired from all the walking.  Exhausted, I dropped onto the bed. I still managed to kick off my shoes, then I fell asleep immediately.  Five hours later, I woke up.
It was dark, only the moonshine spending some light to see outlines of the room. Hannah was fast asleep on the bed next to me. I quietly made my way to the bathroom to call Dave and the kids. I missed them so much. What am I doing here, hiking on the route of a Saint - or was it really on the route of Tom? I wasn't sure. But I knew that I had family waiting for me.

For the rest of the night I lay on the bed, awake, unable to fall asleep. Emma and Sam's voices filled my thoughts, their stories of all the things I missed out on, their laughter, their worries.
The moment Hannah woke up, I told her of my decision.
"I'm going back."
"Why?" Hannah asked, sleep still deep in her voice.
"I can't do this. No, I don't want to do this. Maybe one day.  But not like this. Alone. I'm going to go home." I thought Hannah would give me a hard time, but she didn't. And so we had breakfast together and then I called us a taxi to go back to St Moritz. During the ride, I booked myself a ticket to go back to Australia in four days.

As we pulled up the driveway to Tom's house, two police cars were parked at the front.