Falling Walls (III)

Chapter 45

I looked at my watch. Only two hours until Tom's dad would arrive. The kids and I had spent the morning at the beach: Snorkeling and body boarding, but it was time to head back.

The twins decided to join in some of the animation activities the resort offered while I went back to the bungalow, on a mission to waking up Tom.  He however was already up, getting dressed, with his hair still moist from an earlier shower. We had at least an hour to ourselves, I thought, wrapping my arms around his waist, kissing up his back all the way to his shoulders. His breathing got heavier when a knock on the door interrupted the moment. That would be the kids, I thought, having changed their minds, and I was glad the doors locked automatically when shut.

When I opened the door, it wasn't the twins looking back at me, but my mum, her mascara smudged around her eyes.  From the red rings around them and the still fresh tears welling in her eyes, threatening to spill over any minute, I could tell that she had been crying.  I haven't seen my mum cry a lot. Thinking of if, I didn't think I could remember ever seeing her cry.
With the entire focus having been on Johan's arrival, my mum's had somehow been pushed to the back, not to mention that I hadn't talked to her all that much in the past weeks.  I still hadn't digested all she had told me about Tom's past and I had yet to tell him, or at least make a decision if I should tell him.

"I am so sorry, Lisa." It was like a waterfall in a storm, tears falling, mum sobbing and throwing herself around my neck. "I should have told you earlier. I should have never gotten involved in your uncles activities." The door to our apartment was still open. Wanting to avoid a scene, I tried to reach it with my foot but failed to do so, when Tom strode past us, holding the door in his hand, like he wanted to close it but using it for support while listening. From over my mum's shoulder I could see him stare at us.
"I should have never given up trying to contact Tom and I should have never let them take him to the orphanage." The regrets just stumbled out of my mum's mouth. Wether she really believed them or said what she thought I wanted to hear; I didn't know.  The thing was, I understood.  What I hated was everything that followed her decision.

"What are you talking about," Tom asked in a quiet voice.

"What is she talking about," he directed at me when my mum didn't immediately answer.

I looked up at Tom but couldn't get myself to say anything, when my mum's head shot up. " I'm so sorry Tom." She let go off me, throwing herself against Tom's chest like she was begging for forgiveness. "I'm so sorry for everything I've done," my mum cried into Tom's clean shirt.

I stumbled back. This was out of my control now. Bumping into the wall with my back, I watched motionless the scene in front off me unfold, when Daves head appeared around the corner. Briefly he looked at my Mum and Tom, then his eyes locked with mine, shaking his head sympathetically.

This was it, I thought. Tom knew and I hadn't been the one to tell him. The words that left my mum's mouth didn't register in my head. My eyes stayed tuned on Dave's. Tom and my mum moved like in a blurry slow motion sequence of a black and white movie in the background. I saw Eva appear, first stopping next to Dave, then walking past him inside. After a while the heads of the twins appeared. Then they were gone. So was Dave, and I was just staring at a blank door. Someone must have finally closed it.
I blanked everything out. Why couldn't my life just be normal.  I was sick of attrackting drama after drama.

It had gotten still in the room. My mum was sitting on the floor, her head pushed into her lap.  Eva sat across from her on the lounge, staring blankly out the window. Tom stared ahead of himself with a similar shoked expression as Eva's, but he walked towards the door, walked out and closed it with a slam that made me shrug. My mum and Eva seemed unaffected by it.

I had to follow Tom. He'd be at the beach, thinking he needed alone time, but I knew he really needed to talk about it all. I really needed to talk about it.

When I stepped out onto the beach, Tom was nowhere in sight, so I began walking along the shore in the direction of the palm trees further down.  Tom loved a good spot to observe when needing to think. 

After a short walk, sure enough, I found Tom sitting under a rock, carved hollow by the wind and the sea over millions of years, looking out at the sea.

"Can I sit with you?" I carefully asked Tom, suddenly unsure if maybe he did need some time to himself.

"I was waiting for you," Tom proclaimed, stretching out his hand to help me step under the rock.

"You were?"

"Yes, you always come. I couldn't stand being in there any more.  When's the drama going to stop?"

I had to laugh. The exact same thought had crossed my mind earlier.  "I mean," Tom continued, "this is getting ridiculous. How much shit can we take. I wish we could just run off and get married with noone around."

"I know," I nudged my nose against Tom's cheek. "But we can't." Of course we could have. But the kids expected a party and in hindside we would probably regret not having the party we planned. Tom silently nodded in agreement. We both were quiet for a while, staring out at the ocean. 

"Are you okay? Or want to talk about it?" I eventually broke the silence.

"There's not much to talk about. Different people made different choices.  The outcome was shit. But would they have made other choices, who knows if it would have been any better. My parents could have chosen not to flee. Maybe I would have had a great childhood, maybe not.  Maybe I would have ended up in a different orphanage, same outcome. You know the stats." I listened to Tom putting into words what I had been thinking myself over the past weeks. His mum had given in to leaving the GDR because she was worried of losing him to the state. 
"What if your uncle hadn't been the one helping us? It would have been someone else. Would the stasi have caught us? Maybe, maybe not.  Who knows. Your mum did what she thought was right at the time. And I know you don't always agree with her, but she did a pretty good job with you. And from what I've seen with the twins, she's pretty great with them, too. I think we can be lucky to have her as our kids grandma."

Tom inhaled deeply, then his hand covered my tummy.

"Who knows how different life would have been. But it doesn't matter anymore. Too many people have already blamed themselves, but it's not their fault. Those responsible have probably never lost a sleepless night over it. I just hope we'll never have to make such decisions for our kids."

"Yes," I agreed, a single tear rolling down my check and onto Tom's.

"At least I'm here with you now," he continued, wiping over the dry skin under my eye. "That's the end result, and that's all that matters."