Falling Walls (III)

Chapter 37

Slowly, I raised my glance from the long, dirty finger nails around the handle of my bag. I was not sure if I would have recognised Tom in the street with his wild facial hair growth, the shaggy clothes and unruly hair. No, I would have. The way he smiled at me, I would have recognised anywhere. My legs turned to instant jelly.
Stay strong, Lisa. Stay strong. 

"Tom," I barely whispered. 

"Schatz, I'm so sorry I just left," Tom apologised with all the words I wished I would have heard two weeks earlier, while he was leading me back towards the bench. In between kisses to my cheeks and forehead Tom continued to apologise but I no longer registered anything. Dizziness closed in on me until I finally found my senses again and pushed Tom away: "Stop it, Tom.  Stop it." I wished I could have shouted it more dramatically but I didn't get more than a whisper past that lump in my throat. The shock was mirrored in Tom's eyes, as he stared at me, obviously not having expected my rejection.  

"What..." Tom stammered, but I didn't want to hear his question. He had left me with so many, it was my turn to ask and my turn to get answers.

"You can't just leave for so long without a word and then expect me to welcome you back with open arms."

"But I left you a..."

"You didn't wait for the message to be sent off. I only found out where you were three days ago. And even if I would have gotten your message," I continued, now getting more and more into a rage.  "If you want to be in a relationship with someone, you don't just take off for weeks and just leave a message. You talk, you discuss.  You left me running the business.  What if we had a child?" Shit.  This is not the time.  "You know what, Tom," I continued calmer now, looking him straight into his eyes. Under other circumstance, that sad and innocent looking face would have brought me to my knees, but the desperation I had felt over the past weeks had left me bitter. It would have been so easy to just give in, to kiss him, to go back to his house with him, probably spend a few more great days in St Moritz and then head back to Australia - together.  It would have been so easy, until he faced the next hurdle he couldn't handle. Would he leave again when I told him about the pregnancy, that I organised a DNA test while he was gone? What when the baby was born? Yes, it would have been easy for the time being. 

I looked up at the display board. Two more minutes. "I have a train to catch. You know where to find me." I could feel the adrenaline rush through my body as I snatched my bag from his hand and stepped into the train. Whatever protests he was calling after me, I couldn't make out the words.

While I walked from carriage to carriage to find an empty row of seats for myself, I avoided looking out the window, scared to see him and scared that he may no longer be there. I didn't look back at the empty park bench until the last announcement that the train was due to depart. He's coming after me. He's no longer sitting on the bench.
The whistle blew and the train moved, first slowly, then faster and faster over wobbly tracks. I walked through two carriages. Or was it three? It may take a little while for him to find me. He'll come.  Won't he?

But the door to my carriage didn't open. Tom did not come in.  He didn't fight for me. And that was the moment I realised that I craved revenge. Tom had hurt me, and I wanted to hurt him back, just for a little while. Tom had left me, and I wanted to leave him too, just for a little while.  Tom had the upper hand, and I wanted the upper hand too, just for a little while.  I wasn't ready to let him go yet, but I also realised that now there were so many other emotions apart from love and affection.

For the next ten minutes or so I shrug every time the carriage door opened or someone just walked past. Then I accepted that Tom had not followed me.  When Hannah called me after twenty minutes, asking why Tom was back in the house without me, I knew for sure. I told Hannah that I was done with Tom. I had a flight to catch and promised to call her back once I was back home, in Australia. For the next one and a half hours I closed my eyes, until the intercom announced Chur Station where I had to catch the train to Basel. I had tried hard to push every thought of Tom aside.  When I accepted that this didn't work, I had concentrated even harder on all the negative things about him. He was unstable. He was selfish. He was unstable - when it came to him staying with me in tough times. He was selfish - when he just thought about himself going on an adventure. He was unstable - when a woman rocked up who I made him believe could be the mother he never knew.  He was selfish - when he removed himself from me, believing he couldn't be there for me and that he would hurt me. Shit, shit, shit. I am more unstable and selfish than Tom is. He is the one facing a crisis and I make it all about myself. Shit. 

"Next stop, Chur!" The intercom announced. Double-Shit. I need to call Tom. I need to talk to him. Shit! I rummaged through my bag but couldn't find that damn phone until the train pulled into Chur Station. With my bag in one hand, standing nervously in front of the door, waiting for the train to come to a halt,  I pressed the on button. While the screen slowly came to life, I alighted the train, heading for the bench in front of me. I dumped my bag on the bench and sat next to it while punching the pin into my phone. 

"I know where to find you, Lisa." I had felt his presence before he even spoke. "But please don't run any more. You made a point. I'm sorry for running. Let's catch the next train together." He didn't smile this time. A mix of fear and hope was mirrored in his eyes, while he held his train ticket towards me. Relief swept through me and all my anger had evaporated. I jumped up and threw  myself around Tom's neck. "I'm so sorry, Tom," I whispered, before our lips melted together in a kiss long overdue.