Dear Ashton » Ashton Irwin

✎ letter 05

December 23rd, 2010

Dear Ashton,

I caught myself thinking of you again and I realized you remind me of a lot of things. It's actually very absurd. Sometimes, I feel that the more I think of you, I will inflict pain and agony upon myself, for I may fall in love with you, and my mother tells me love is a dangerous. I try to stop, but you are an illness, in which I cannot escape.

You remind me of the soft waves of a beach, kissing the beige sand, no matter the amount of times the sand has pushed the waves away, the tides search for its way back. Just like the way you have constantly kissed my wounded past with your words, even when I push your delicate voice from my mind, your words return to cloud my head with euphoria.

You remind me of the stars that decorate the night sky, where you are the blazing stars and I am the twilight sky. Without you, I am a plain void of nothingness. When I am without you, I am indefinite and empty. With you, I am beautiful; a work of art. When I am with you, I am bold and intact.

I want to see you again, even if it may last for a millisecond. I don't care because you're the only person who makes me feel alive. You steal my ominous thoughts and hidden misery and replace it with pure elation and overwhelming prosperity. When I am able to gaze upon someone so grand — I am grateful, because with 7 billion people on this earth, I have met you.

But then again, I don't want to see you at all. Because, I know that when I see you, I will want to see you more, and the more I see you, I will fall for you, bit by bit. If I one day love you, it will be the way my mother loves my father. And I don't want to approach the ache she has had to.

I am selfish, the way I want you and the way I don't want you. I am selfish for the way I want you as mine. I am selfish because I do not want the pain imposed onto myself, yet I don't want anyone else to experience happiness with you. And if you were to love someone else — you would not understand how pathetic I would feel. But that will have had to be my fault because I was never bold enough to take the chance.

I should stop with the thoughts in which are held in the future. This is not the future, and I shouldn't be thinking of such foolish things.

Ashton, tomorrow is Christmas Eve, which means we are nearing Christmas. And do you know what I want for Christmas? I want to be able to speak with you, without the syllables engraved into my throat, being unable to liberate.

Again with the silly thoughts.

I can't seem to stop.

Well on the other hand, this Christmas will be the sixth year without the celebration with my father. I guess it might be fun though, because it will be the first year I will be celebrating Christmas with Adam (my mom's first boyfriend after my dad).

I'm happy for her because she is happy. It's been six years of solitude and I'm glad she is able to find someone wonderful. He cannot replace my dad, but he can replace the lonesome years without a father. He can try.

Anyways, I do hope you also have a spectacular Christmas day. I really do.

Love,

Nova