Living with the Dead.(twd)

Ready or Not. (124)

Madisons pov.

"Okay first one who's caught is on next. I'm gonna count to 30 and then i'll try find you guys." Ben explained to us. I felt the excitement in my stomach, like I always did. The butterflies fluttered inside me, making me giddy. I looked to Luke who looked equally excited and then I looked to Nick who was clearly ready to run to find a hiding place as soon as Ben started counting. I racked my mind for a good hiding spot but I couldn't think of anything.
"1,2,3,4,5,6...." Ben started.
I watched as Nick sprinted across the road away from our garden.
Mom won't like if we run too far away. She's always worried about us, as if somebody is ready to snatch us.

I follow Nick at a fast pace and Luke is hot on my heels. Suddenly Nick turns around. He pushes my shoulders back and I fumble backwards almost falling but Luke catches me and I give him a small smile.
"Find your own hiding place. You always follow me. Just a little tip, don't hide in the trees again. Your so predictable Mads." Nick mutters. I quickly look at Luke and he grabs my hand and begins running towards the house.

We pass Ben who has nearly reached 25 seconds so Luke hauls me faster until we run inside and find my mom placing a tray of cookies on the kitchen counter. I'm too small to see over the counter, but Luke is a little taller so he secretly swipes two cookies off the tray and hands one to me while he bites into his own. He grabs my hand again and we rush upstairs but we can already hear Ben shout from outside
"Ready or not, here I come!"
We reach the top of the stairs and Luke pulls me into my parents room. He motions to me to follow him into their walk-in closet and I hurry behind him. He closes the door and we are pooled with the darkness accept for the small light that sneeks under the door.

Inside the closet there is another door to my daddys study, but it's forbidden to go inside without his permission. Luke knows this but he still reaches for the door handle.
"Luke no! We'll be in so much trouble if we're caught." I warn him.
"You gotta take risks sometimes Mads. They'll never find us in here. Don't worry I won't tell anyone, i'll take it to the grave." he promises while holding out his pinky finger. I stare at his sparkling green eyes before locking my pinky with his.

He opens the door to find the room empty. He shuts the door quietly and runs to hide behind my daddys desk. I giggle as I follow him, but just before I duck under the desk I find something so beautiful that I can't help but stop and stare. I look at the eligant black rock that sits in a ring. It sparkles and teases me to take it, but I know I can't or daddy will find out. I never liked jewelry. Mom always wanted me to try some on, but I hated it, but this ring was different. It was so beautiful I wanted to steal it and tell nobody.
"Earth to Madison." Luke chuckled. I remember where I am and that we are still playing hide and seek so I forget about the jaw-dropping ring and crawl under the desk to hide with Luke.

We eat our cookies and giggle to ourselves at our hilarious jokes and Luke grins a proud smile.
"Nobody can find us here Maddie. Maybe we can hide here forever and nobody will find us." he whispers.
"Won't you miss your family?" I ask.
"You are my family Maddie."

I bolt up from my bed and the room spins. I put my hand out to grab anything to help me steady. It's hot. Too hot and I realise that Carl is still in the bed with me. He was obviously close to me when we were sleeping but when I bolted up I must have woken him. I can't get the flashback out of my head. When I was in the train carts I used to think of that memory when I missed him.
"Mads? Are you okay? What's going on?" His husky morning voice worries.

Am I okay?

Thats when the thoughts of yesterdays events come crashing back and I wished I could have ignored his question. I wished I could have stayed asleep. I wished that it had been me who took the arrow to the neck instead. The thoughts make me dizzy and just as the walls started to stay where they should they suddenly started to spin again and my ears ring. I ran towards my bathroom in time before I empty my stomach into the toilet.
"Mads!" Carl shouts urgently as I continue to get violently sick. He rubs my back in circular motions until I stop and can finally breath. I gasp in quickly trying to get oxygen to my lungs as I try to blink away black spots in my vision at the same time.
"Whats happening?" He asks, worried now. Everything is happening.
"Nothing." I reply bluntly.
"Mads you just got sick. Like really sick. Thats not nothing. Maybe you should go to the doctors." He suggests.
"No, im fine. I dont need a doctor." I reply. But the truth is, i'm not fine, nothings okay. I just want my bestfriend. My brother. My Luke.
"Stay. Dont move. I'll be right back." He commands.

He arrives back in seconds with a cold towel and presses it towards my forehead and I have no admit it felt nice and it soothed the nausea but I refused to be babied. I shove his hands away and use the sink to help me stand up.
"Come on, dont do this. Just let me help you. I promised I would help you." He pushes but I still refuse. I don't want to talk I just want to be left alone so I can cry or get angry and smash things whatever it takes to get this pain to leave.
"Don't do this Mads. I know you. You'll ignore me like you are now and you'll build up that wall that you use to shield you all the time. Let me in. Talk to me." He pleads.
"Leave." I murmur.
"Thats not exactly what I was looking for." He shakes his head.
"Leave." I say louder this time.
"No." He shouts back.
"Im not kidding Carl. Get out of my room now or i'll make you sorry." I threaten.
"Good, your angry. Think about that. Use your anger to feel anything else than grief." He tries to help but I dont need him to tell me how to feel.
I march up to him and shove him back. He stumbles but shoves me back. I feel my blood boil and I have to restrain from breaking his nose. I look at the counter that I ruined last night and there are still some books and accessories left around. So I pick up the largest book and chuck it towards Carl hitting him in the elbow.
I know i'm being completly crazy but I want him to go away. He holds his elbow and I find a pencil holder next. I fling it at him followed by another book until he's busy dodging them and finally backed up against the door.
"Leave." I say rigidly. My voice was quiet and broken and it sounded defeated even though I know i've won when he reaches for the door handle.
"You know Mads, your shockingly good at pushing people away, but wait and see where it gets you. You'll be more alone than you feel now. I know that you put up those walls to help you to block out people and their feelings for you but I think you secretly build them to see who can knock them down. Maybe you dont know that yourself, but I do and I will." He promises, confidence thick in his voice. He opens the door and shuts it quietly behind him.

I heave a large breath in the minute the door closes and I release it the minute I hear him walk down the hall. I feel the saddness flow through my veins and deaden my brain. It was like a poison that dulled me and killed off any other emotion until it was the only one that remained. It was like a black mist settled in my chest and refused to move and no matter how sunny it was outside I couldn't feel the sun and I couldn't hear the birds sing. I knew nothing would ever be the same, not after everything that has happened to me.

I saunter over to my bed and lift the matress to pull out the pregnacy test.
Maybe if I focus on this I can try to forget about what happened. But I think I already know thats never gonna happen.

But what on earth do I do with this?
This can't be real. There can't be a little person inside me. I can't even remember how long ago it was.

I think back to the night of Abbie's death that was the last time....
How long ago was that?
Two weeks? Maybe longer. I can't think straight, my head spins too much. Breath Madison. I sit on the floor using the bed as a back rest and put my head in my hands.
My stomach growls and I want food but I don't want to talk to anyone. I just need to be left alone. I shove the test under the matress again and sigh.
I'm only turning 16 soon. How the hell am I supposed to have a baby? Better question, how am I going to survive having this baby? Carls mom died during child birth. Do I want that? I look at the bullets scattered accross my floor. I pick them up one by one and roll them between my index and thumb.
What do I do?