Living with the Dead.(twd)

Brown eyes. (206)

CARL'S POV.

"I'm glad you came out of your room again." Jenna states.
I stare down at Madison's grave.
"Yeah, well, I figured you were right."
"I generally am, but about what this time?" She asks.
I roll my eyes at her cockiness.

"I need to come out here to see her more often. Madison always came out to talk to Luke. I don't know how she did it though when she knew she'd never get a response. And also, I've bottled everything up for so long and the pain physically hurts, sometimes I can't move because of it. But if I don't say anything I'll crumble and I don't want that for my dad or Judith."
She nods. "So what do you want to talk to me about?"
"I don't know." I admit.

I scratch the back of my neck. I keep expecting my hair to block me away but then I remember I cut it.
"I have so much to talk about but at the same time it's so much easier to keep it to myself."
"Maybe now it is but in the long run it'll ruin you. Come on, you and I are practically family now, you can tell me anything and I swear I won't tell anybody." She promises.

I sigh. "People keep talking to me about being happy again but I can't see it. I don't think I can be. I want to be but...
Sometimes the fear cripples me more than the pain."
"What fear?"
I shrug

"I'm scared that years from now we'll be so caught up in something else, another problem, that I'll just forget. I'm scared that someday I'll forget about all this pain, I'll forget how she looked at me, I'll forget just how much I loved her. How much I still love her. I'm scared that someday I'll stop dreaming about her and she'll just become some faceless story from my past. I'm scared to forget how much she made me laugh and how different she made me feel. She didn't treat me like I was damaged and she didn't look at me like I was a monster with one eye. I'm scared I won't remember what she looked like or how her voice sounded. I'm scared that one day I'll forget all the pain she caused me and never think of her again because I'd stop crying all those tears for her." I pant at the end of my rant.

To be honest I forgot Jenna was even there. She stayed silent the whole time.
"Carl, you know that would never happen."
"Maybe. But it's always there in the back of my mind. There's so much death now that everything from the past becomes blurry. Like, all the deaths was so long ago that I don't have to feel bad about it. I mean, Shane died so long ago, Hershel, T-dog, Sophia, Abbie... when I think about them I miss them, but I don't remember them everyday like I used to. There's so much death now that everybody blends into each other and that feeling you felt when they died just isn't there anymore. What if that happens to Madison?"

"It won't." She reassures. "And you know it won't. How often do you think about your mom?"
"Everyday. But that's different. She's my mom."
"You cared about her more than anything Carl. You'd never forget her. Just like you'll never forget Madison because you love her more than anything and she loved you too. You don't have to be scared. You think I'd let you forget ?"
I shake my head.

After a few moments of silence she turns to face me. I watch as she hesitates in front of me.
Her mouth opens but then she closes it again and looks to the ground.
"What?" I ask.
She looks back up, locking eyes with me.

"You have a constant reminder of her and you're not even the tiniest bit curious about that? That poor baby misses her mom and you're her biological father Carl. Your mom and dad had you at a young age but they didn't turn their backs on you."
"That's because I didn't kill my mom then." I argue.

She sighs and turns back to stare at the grave.
"She looks just like Madison. Except her little nose. She has your nose." Jenna whispers.
"She's very tiny too. Rick sent people to go get more formula for her." She informs me.
"I don't care." I snap.
"Yes, you do. You're just too afraid to face facts. Madison is dead but she didn't leave you with nothing. That is your daughter in there and you're willing to let her grow up knowing you're her dad and not doing shit about it. How fucked up is that?" Jenna shouts.
"Piss off Jenna." I growl.