Living with the Dead.(twd)

Eclipse. (180)

CARL'S POV.
I lie in bed. It's easier than going outside and facing reality.
I've been lying here for over an hour and Michonne has come in twice to ask me to change my bandage.

I stare at the unopened packet of fresh bandages on my counter.
I groan and roll over, throwing the blanket over my head. I close my eyes hoping last nights dream will come back to me.

It was the same dream I've had for the past few days. It wasn't anything dangerous or adventurous like they used to be. Instead it's just her. Madison.

We sat in a field, surrounded by long, green grass that swayed high above our heads. Not a single walker in sight.
We talked about comics and what was going to happen in our future. We talked about things normal teenagers would talk about. We sometimes bickered, but I didn't care. As long as I could see her. As long as I could hear her voice.
Even if it wasn't real.
She wasn't scared or in pain like I imagine she must be now, if she's even still alive.

A knot twists in my stomach which makes me feel sick every time I think of where she must be.
Is she locked away, afraid, sick, treated like an animal, or is she eight feet under covered in dirt and surrounded by maggots and worms, abandoned and forgotten about.

I throw the blankets off me and lunge for the toilet. I know I won't make it so I turn to the sink and throw up the contents of my stomach.
I groan and slide onto the bathroom floor. I put my cheek up against the tiled floor, it's cold and settles my stomach slightly.

Where is she? Where is my Madison?

"Carl?" Michonne calls from the doorway.
I jump in surprise.
"Yeah, I'll change my bandage in a minute." I whisper.
She sighs and kneels down beside me.
"We'll find her Carl. And Daryl too." She murmurs.
"How? We don't even know where Negan lives. We don't even know if they're alive." I mumble.
She lifts my face off the floor and pulls me into a hug.

I feel a lump form in my throat, making it hard to breath. Tears sting my eye. I cough to cover up my sniffling and I wipe away those stupid tears.
"I'm fine." I say, pulling away.
She looks at me.
"Carl..."
"I'm fine." I say more harshly, standing up.

I grab the packet with the fresh bandage and open it.
"I'll be out in a minute." I tell her.
"You've been sitting in the dark all morning." She notes, opening the curtains.
Light pools into the room, making me squint my eyes.
"You don't have to hover over me. I'm fine." I lie.
She hesitates before leaving.

After I've put on a new bandage I go downstairs.
Dad sits at the kitchen table with a cup of untouched coffee in his hands. He stares at nothing in particular. It's the same way I find him every morning since everything happened, almost a week ago.
Judith sits quietly next to him in her high chair.

"Hey." I croak.
He straightens up and puts on the same shitty facade he's been putting on the past few days. He takes the first sip out of his coffee. It's probably gone cold now.
"What are you gonna do today?" He asks.
I shrug.
He stands up "What do you want for breakfast ? I'll make it." He offers.
"I'm not hungry."
"Carl you haven't eaten since yesterday morning. I let it slide yesterday at lunch. I thought you'd get something at dinner. But Michonne told me you skipped it. Where were you?"
"With Beth and Jenna."
"Jenna? You too have gotten close."
"She was Madison's best friend. Beth too. But Madison was all she had. She misses her just as much as I do."
Dad nods.
We don't talk about Madison much. Not since we came home.
We're both afraid of the same question. But even more terrified of the answer.
Is she even alive?

Dad turns around and pulls bread out of the cupboard.
"What do you want?" His voice breaks.
He sniffs.

I want Madison back in my arms. I want Daryl safely at home and I want Glenn and Abraham living and breathing. I want Maggie and Sasha here at home instead of miles away moarning alone in the hilltop.
I want the last week to have never happened.
I want everything to go back to normal. Or at least what we considered normal.
I want Negan dead.