Memories my aunt left behind

Behind the scene of The Big 'C'

She was a strong woman indeed, inside and out. Many days I watched her fought back tears because she never wanted her family to know that she was in great pain. I often ask myself how can an energetic healthy, glowing, strong woman go from always on her feet to moping around the house. If anyone had a family member that battled or is battling cancer right now then you know how it not only affects the person dealing with it but how it affects everyone around them as well. I'm going to walk you through how in the matter of hours, minutes, seconds everything changed for our family.

It all started with her just having a little cough to not being able to go to work or do anything for herself. Silly old me thought it was just a simple flu ... after she fell gravely ill and couldn't go to work anymore then I knew it was something serious but the only thing that was going through my mind was that this flu is serious. I hated to see her sick so I always encouraged her to get it check out and look into it. It went from her just coughing to always sleeping and being so weak that she couldn't do anything for herself anymore.

Every time I would go to hail her I would always find her either laying down on the couch or sitting in the couch by the door. I always asked her "are you okay" and her response would always be "i'm fine shante". Even though she would say she was fine, I know deep down she really wasn't fine.

One day I went over to her and met her sitting on the edge of the bed with her head hanged low. I entered the room and asked her "are you okay" and her response once again was "i'm fine shante". Was she really fine? She said she was fine but was she really fine ? That evening we carried her for a walk on the park and we sat there for a really long time just talking and laughing. That was the happiest I've seen her since she fell ill. Sometimes I can still feel her arms wrapped around me and it gives me comfort that somehow she's still here with me.

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The day I was leaving to go to the airport my aunt turned around and her eyes locked with mine and in that moment she said to me "i'm going to miss you guys". I never knew what she really meant about that but I replied by saying "we're only going for a week but I will miss you too Auntie". She smiled and said "okay baby". On the third day of being away from my aunt, we got the phone call that no one would ever want. That's when we found out the truth about my aunt sickness. I remembered that night so clear; We were all sitting in the hotel room just laughing and talking about silly things while my mom was on the phone talking to someone. She got off the phone and sat in silence with one of the saddest looks I knew. When I noticed her facial expression I asked her what was wrong. It took me 3 "What's wrong" for her to actually tell me. When she blurted out what was wrong, I wish I hadn't pressured her to tell me. I exploded into tears. How could it happen? what did she do? she was a sweet, generous, loving, kind woman and her life was slipping away from her. I learned in life though that all good things must come to an end. All great people must leave this world someday and if that's the truth then one day this story will only be a memory, for I too, will leave this earth one day.

The only way I chose to accept the fact that she's gone is because I know that no one is promised eternity here on earth. Its a real hard time to get over it because you're so use to seeing their face or giving them hugs or even hearing their voice. I find comfort in my heart knowing that she's not in pain anymore and that she's able to jump around and walk on her own without being in so much pain.

Even though we weren't the ones battling the Big 'C', we some how felt the pain too. Having someone who was so close to you slip away so soon was the worst pain you could ever feel besides cancer. The nurses knew us by name because we were up there everyday. Everyday we would go to see her she would always be so excited to show off her family to her nurses. They would always smile and say " You have a really big family". A teardrop dropped from my eye everyday I saw her lying in that bed not being able to really do for herself. She would always speak to you with face expressions and we would understand more than words could ever say. I hated to look at her and not see a smile on her face; it was always this blank expression she would wear on her face. I never questioned her though because I know she was dealing with a lot. I wish I had questioned her though or at least have a conversation with her as if she wasn't about to die. She knew that death was getting closer so she wanted us all to be strong for her in her last days. Damn I miss her so much, I miss her every day that goes by.

Let me just tell you that my Aunt was the strongest person I had ever met. I've never seen a person battle something like Cancer and still manage to keep a smile on her face or even managed to with held such fragile information like that away from her family. The family found out that she was battling cancer for about 4 years and she hid it so well. Getting the news that the most precious person in your life was about to slip away from you was by far the hardest pill to swallow so I can't imagine how hard the pill was for her to swallow when she found out that her life was limited. Even though I was there for her when she needed me, I still wish that she had told me so I would've really been there for her. Not a day goes by that I don't miss her and wish that she would call my name just one last time. There's not a day goes by that I don't wish that I could see her beautiful smile or hear her beautiful voice. There's not a day goes by that I don't wish that I could smell that wonderful fragrance that she always wore. There's not a day goes by that I don't wish I could just go into her work and ask for her and they would call her and I would just wait for her to come down out of the elevator. There's not a day goes by that I don't wish that she would come knock on our door or call my phone and ask me if I wanted to go with her by Grammy. There's not a day goes by that I don't wish that she would just come home and tell us that we worry too much,that she is fine and in her favorite words (Her God is bigger than her problems).

Even now as I write this book about her I still cry at the thought of everything. I wish she would just come and sit awhile with me and lets talk like old times. Why am I finding it so hard to let go of what was and carry on with what will be. I wish that I could take this pain away because I'd rather not say goodbye to someone so special to me, someone who meant the world to me.