Memories my aunt left behind

My Aunt and Bestfriend

Not a day goes by that I don't miss this woman. I still have sleepless nights because she's not here. I could never forget her because everywhere I turn there's a memory of her and just the thought of always seeing her face on an obituary just brings me back to step one. How could I ever get pass her death if all I see are things that remind me of her. It still feels so surreal, feels like she's just on a long vacation somewhere, somewhere where she can't be reached. How could someone move on after losing someone special to them? Knowing that you won't ever be able to hug them like how you always use to or have long drawn out conversations like how you always use to anymore. How could you go on in life without that person? How could I get through events like Christmas, her birthday, my birthday, or any other holiday that we shared together. My birthday won't ever be the same anymore because she's not here to ask me what I want anymore. There wasn't a birthday that passed that she forgot. She would always buy me something even when I never wanted anything. I remember my last birthday which made me 21, she asked me what I wanted and to my surprise I didn't know. I told her to surprise me. Next year Lord's willing I know exactly what I want for my birthday now. I wish I could have one more day spent with her. There's nothing else that I would rather want. She's no longer here to celebrate Christmas with me anymore. No more driving around the neighborhood and getting excited at decorative houses anymore. No more going shopping for Christmas decorations and listening to Christmas songs in November. Now please tell me how will Christmas or any other holiday ever be the same again.

I could never forget when my Aunt told me on one of our last rides together how no one even bothered to check up on her or find out how she was doing. She was really hurt by it. I knew she was because I could've heard it in her voice. I don't know if she knew how much she was loved but we loved her dearly. I remember the second night when she was in the hospital and she video called us.  She was so excited to see us and vice versa. I remember how she longed out her tongue at us and started making funny faces. That was the last time she really smiled. I remember while being away how we had to walk over to Denny's just to video call her and see that pretty face and bright smile. I feel so lost without her right now and honestly I don't know what to do anymore.

Every time I hear someone bring up a conversation about her it makes me weak inside. To hear someone talk about her death and even missing her brings tears to my eyes. I wish it was all a dream and that I would wake up from it and walk over to her house to see her baking cake. I wish that I could hear her ask me to come and taste her banana bread or her pineapple upside down cake... I mean her experiment of a Pineapple upside down cake lol (laugh out loud). This is the impact I want to leave on someone's life. This is how I want someone to talk about me. I never imagined ever going to a graveside and sitting next to a tombstone talking to a her. I never imagined losing her at such a young age. For someone so young she sure lived her life to the fullest. She made it somewhere in life for a 54 year old. Many people her age barely owned anything. She accomplished a lot and for that I admired every bit of her. I dream of one day accomplishing as much as her. The only thing that I want to change is that I want to be my own boss one day. I don't want this to just be a dream of mine, I want this to become a reality. I want to make her proud one day and one day I will. My children will know about her and how much of an awesome grand aunt she was. She stepped up to the plate when my mom couldn't. she walked a road that no one else wanted to. She became a role model to my siblings and I; we looked up to her and she inspired all of us to be who we wanted to be. I looked at her as a mentor because she would always try to lead us in the right path and encourage us to chase after our dreams. I dreamt of becoming the woman she had become over her years. She was an independent, always striving for what she wanted kind of woman. One thing she always instilled in us no matter what is to never depend on someone to do for us. Never give someone the option to say "You wouldn't have it if it wasn't for me". Some learnt the hard way while others allowed for it to sink into their head. Many nights I still wonder how different it would've been if she was still here. Walking through her house feels like a dream to me because I never imagined being there without her. There's a difference between being in the house while she was to work and being there knowing that she won't ever come through that door again. Often times I would catch my self thinking about about all the fun times we use to had and how strong our bond was. I wanted to give up so bad when she left me , I wanted to give up on life entirely but deep down inside I know she wouldn't of want me to. I continued on with life but still aching inside.

All I thought about was my life ahead of me; how could I go on knowing that she won't be beside me, knowing that she won't be encouraging me anymore. I got real depressed thinking about her and one day at work I caught myself tearing up about the whole situation. I don't want to sound selfish or anything but since she's been gone I feel like am in a room with no windows or doors. Many times I wanted to pick up the phone and call her or ask her about something then it all comes rushing towards me... call who? Ask who? A voice shouts at me over and over reminding me that she's not here . How are you going to reach her? I remember I prayed for her to get better, I prayed for her to be healed so why am I complaining right ? It was God's way of making her better and healing her. He took the pain away. I remember the day before she passed she said that she was ready to go home. Was she really ready to leave her family ? Was she really done with life?.