Memories my aunt left behind

Missing you

Wow its been nearly 5 months already and am still missing you Auntie. Life has been so hard without you and I don't know how i'm doing it but by the grace of God i'm still holding on. I never imagined my future without you and now I have too. Who would've known that in the matter of weeks my life would've changed drastically. Who would've known that when you told me you would've missed me when I was about to go away that it would've been your last "I miss you" to me. Who would've thought that when you hugged me in that hospital room that it would've been our last hug. I cried for weeks when you left. At first I didn't want to believe it but when I saw you lying in that casket I knew it was for real. I buried my best friend, my motivator, my life support. That was the hardest thing I ever had to do in life. No one wants to bury their best friend. We shared many happy times together and also many sad times together ; but our happy times would always outweigh the bad times. We went to church together, funerals together, we laughed at silly people and silly things together, we mourned together , we supported each other regardless if we weren't okay with it. I needed your support on the 1st of October, 2016 but I had to support you in the decision you made to go with your heavenly father. It was a hard decision but like I said we supported each other regardless if we weren't okay with it. I remember when the nurse first came to me and told me that you were gone; its like I went deaf. My ears just wouldn't allow me to hear the truth. I remember repeating to my self over and over how it was a dream and I wanted you back. I remember the day before you left how you looked at me and turned your head like you couldn't believe that you were about to leave us. I remember how the doctor came in that day to check up on you and how you stopped him in the middle of his session to introduce him to me. You were so proud to tell him that I was your niece. I remember him saying that if you were to be released to go home that someone would have to watch over you and you immediately said that I would do it. I really didn't care that I would've had to watch over you just as long that you were going to get out of that hospital and be back in the comfort of your own home. Why is it always the special ones that suffer like that. I remember when I first heard the news how heartbroken I was. I sat on the steps of the hotel and cried. I remember asking God why you? what did you do to deserve the pain. I remember watching you force yourself up in that hospital bed, I remember you struggling just to drink and eat. It was painful to watch and its even more painful to write about.

I remember the day of the funeral how I had to force myself to go through with it. I remember walking down that aisle and thinking this is it. I still remember the feeling I got when I walked up to your casket and looked at you for the last time. I remember being dragged away from the casket; the pain that entered my body was like no other. I wanted to open your casket and hop inside along with you. That was the pain that entered my body. That's how I felt but I could only imagine how Grammy felt or your nieces and nephews who knew you longer than me.

I remember the last time I dreamt about you I felt my soul left my body. You told me not to cry when you were gone but these tears they just tell their own story. I could only imagine how devastated you were when you heard the news that you were sick. I could only imagine the thoughts that raced through your head; how crazy it was that your life was about to be ripped from under your feet and you were about to watch your own life slip away from you. I bet you never thought about that, knowing the person you were, I bet you only thought about how sad and devastated your family would be. You always thought about your family first and your well being second. That was the type of person you were. How do you even get over someone's death who was once so close to you. I mean you did just about everything with this person and now you have been forced to live without this person. Life has been a roller coaster for me ever since you left me. Letting you go was the hardest trial I went through thus far.

I remember sitting down on my bedside looking at your picture thinking to myself "wow is this for real" did I really lose her?" "Is she really gone". The pain that built up in me was so real that I caught myself wiping tears away from my eyes. I remember you had this song that you listened to during your last trimester; every time I listen to it now I get all teary eye. Just to know that you went through something so horrible and the only thing you could've done was sit back and watch your life vanish. Life is so short that anyone could be gone in the blink of an eye. Thank goodness you got your life together when you had the chance.