Memories my aunt left behind

6 months to be exact

Maybe in a year or so I'll move on but for right now I'm dwelling in my past.
It's been a long 6 months without the love of my life, my supporter, my #1 fan. I miss her so much that if I could trade places with her, some how I would but then the pain would still be there. The pain would still be there because instead of me missing her, she'll be missing me. If one day out of every year we could talk to a love one that has left earth, I think everything would be fine because we would miss them less.
Often times I find myself being in a really dull mood ; I find myself thinking about her and I guess it's normal because the memory is still fresh but how long will it take?

It's so hard not to question it; so hard not to question all of what happened in the blink of an eye. She's missing me, I can feel it because I can feel the knot in my stomach. I could feel my heart breaking. It feels like your heart is playing games with you; it feels like it wants to stop but it knows it's beating for a reason.

I was lucky enough to have 2 moms that cared for me although one might've went the extra mile more than the other, they still loved me dearly. My Grand Aunt had no kids but it never bothered her because WE were her kids.

I don't think you could ever get over someone's death. I think it gets a little better in time but to say per-say get over someone completely, that could never happen.
I could some how still see her beautiful bright smile, her round face and her gray eyes. I could some how still hear her calling my name.

I beg that you cherish the time you have with your love ones please because once they leave this earth you'll wish you did. I wish I had spent every moment I could've with her. No it won't help me get over the fact that she's gone but at least I wouldn't have regrets. Regrets like wishing I didn't give her so much of a hard time before she grew ill. We were suppose to travel together but some how we never had the chance too. Why ? Why did she leave me so soon ? I know it's all part of God's plan but why did she go?It's really hard.

I remember one day we were talking about life and out of the blue she asked me if I was straight with the Lord. My aunt knew I loved going to church, especially with her. I never went every Sunday but I went when I had the chance to. I enjoyed being in the house of the Lord just as much as she did. I remember one day before I was about to go to church she told me to pray for her. I laughed and said "why don't you come along". She replied by saying "next time".

The last time I went to church with my Aunt was on Independence Day 2016. I remember it so clear because it was the Sunday after my birthday. My Aunt was a woman that enjoyed being in the church and although she never went every Sunday, she still made an effort to go when she could. Besides going to church, my Aunt enjoyed listening to gospel music while she cooked Sunday dinner. She enjoyed the good old gospel singers like Shirley Caesar, Mary Mary, Yolanda Adams, Tamela Mann, etc. I enjoyed listening to those music with her because it always sooth me. I miss her so much because a lot of things I wish I could still do with her like go joy riding or have meaningful conversations. Those are the things I miss the most.

The words that came out of her mouth when I first witnessed her laying in that hospital bed still haunts me to this day. She turned to my mom and said " tell my shante don't cry for me". I turned to her and smiled, even though in my mind I wanted so badly to shout to the top of my lungs.

I often find myself getting emotional when I think about all of the memories that I have of her. Most times I love to look at her picture and just sit awhile with her. I often find myself talking to her. It's weird but I don't know, I guess it just makes me feel a little better. I miss her so much guys it's crazy.

I remember one day my aunt and I were coming home from a long day at work and when pulling up in the yard one of her favorite songs came on . She pushed the car in park and sat in that car until her song was over. That's the type of vibe she had.

My aunt was so sweet that if you needed a ride home at 3 o'clock in the morning and you called her , she was coming out of her bed even if she had to get back up for 6 in the morning. That was just the type of person she was.

On my Aunt last days, she loved the company of her family and sometimes no company at all. That's the affect cancer had on her. Some days she would be cheerful and others she would be grumpy. I loved her on both days . I knew that the grumpy days weren't her and she was a sweet soul.

I often find myself smiling at people with sweet souls and I just think to myself , my aunt was just like that .

If only she was still here to smile along with me. What a beauty that would be. The happy times, the sad times, the sacred times, I miss them all.