Memories my aunt left behind

Thoughts of yesterday

This was actually suppose to be private thoughts that I wanted to keep to myself but this is all apart of how I felt when I lost her

Lately I've been in a moment of defeat. I've been giving up on myself, losing faith... I even stopped praying because I felt like God himself was giving up on me. Do you know what it's like to be praying only for you to be let down? You felt like nothing was ever good enough ... It's been world wind after world wind. I lost the one true person who had faith in me even when I never had it in myself; a true motivator she was. She always encouraged me to follow my dreams and never lose hope. You have no idea how much I got on my knees and prayed for better days for her, how much I wanted so badly to take the pain away from her.... I never once lost my faith in such a rough moment like that; I never once doubted his work during that trial... That was until I actually lost her.
After I lost my Aunt, my faith withered and I doubted everything after that. I questioned his work because I thought to myself how could I pray and pray and end up with no results? How could I have kept the faith and still lose her? How could I look everyone in the eye and beat them with a stick that I would eventually need later on in life. I wanted so badly to be next to her, to leave everyone when she did but God had other plans. God showed me why I shouldn't give up, why I should let him lead the way. He told me that there will be trials and tribulations in my life and there will be battles that I would have to face but I will not face them alone. There were times when I wanted to stay asleep because my dreams were better than my reality. There were times when I'd rather be left alone or even times when I would cry myself to sleep but it was all giving me the strength I needed to go on without her and carry on her legacy.

Everyone said I'll get over it and that she is in a better place, that she's in no more pain and that she was strong for as long as she could've been. To tell you the truth, Life will never be the same without her bubbly personality and it has never been the same since the 7th of September, 2016. There's no way someone could be so depressed for so long but then again this is how life is set up. You are born into this world, you live your life and then you die. You can not escape death no matter what you do in life. You could do all that you were suppose to do in life and at the end of your journey death will still come knocking at your door step. I'm sitting here right now writing about my deceased grand Aunt but eventually I will soon have to go as well.

Could you imagine someone talking highly about you after you die? Could you imagine someone crying over you and missing you? Could you even imagine someone coming to your graveside and talking to a rock as if your soul is still there. Maybe, maybe not but at least you can visualize it while you're still here because once you're gone that is it.

Life is not all about do this for someone and they will do it for you. Life is do this for someone because you have a generous heart and you're doing it out of the goodness of your heart. My aunt was that type of person. She never did something for someone and thought about what they would do for her in return; she often did things for others because she was that sweet and generous person. She often went hungry because she would always make sure everyone ate before she did. She never bought anything for herself anymore; stuff like clothes, jewelry or anything else of the sort because priorities came first. She kept her mind on her bills and family first. Have you ever came in contact with someone who thought about others before their self? No huh ? that's right because not everyone was born with the same heart as others. Not everyone was born with a good heart; everyone won't have the same mindset.

I often look at myself and reflect on my life and notice that I'm becoming just like my Aunt. I often find myself doing for others out of the goodness of my heart and making sure everyone is happy before I make sure that myself is happy. I often find myself being a family oriented person; someone my Aunt was. My aunt loved to be around her family. She loved to do family outings and gatherings. We would often do beach picnics, family gatherings, and so forth. She would always be the one to bake the pastries and macaroni because she did the best macaroni and pastries ever. Her chocolate cake and banana bread was to die for. I always loved when she would just come home from a long day at work and still find the energy within herself to bake a pastry or cook food. She would often call me to taste the pastry to make sure it was good to hand out to others lol (laugh out loud). I often find myself waiting on her to come home to bake or cook. I often find myself waiting for her to call my name and ask me to braid her hair or even little things like wash her dishes or get her a glass of water. I never knew why she loved the company of me but I guess to her, I was her comfort and to me she was my best friend; awesome to my heart but annoying to my soul sometimes kind of best friend. You could tell by the way I talk about her that our bond was incredible right. Of course most would say the bond was incredible because she was my aunt but to me that's not the case. I was never as close to anyone in my family as I were to her and I would never forget the many crazy memories we shared.

Love is something that is most often hard to explain . Most people would say true love can not come from a family member or someone you're not intimate with but that is absolutely wrong. My Aunt was the meaning of true love. I could explain the meaning of love with one word and 5 letters. The meaning of love is to have strong feelings or affection for someone but my meaning of love is to have a deep connection with someone so special, to have a connection so strong that only death can break it. With my Aunt and I , soon enough death did separate the connection we had. The love is now a one way connection; She will no longer love me because her soul is no longer here but I will always love her no matter the situation.

Death is not the opposite of life but it is apart of it and we should not cry when a love one dies but rejoice because life is more painful than death. Life is when you experience all of the heartaches, pains, sadness, sickness etc... meanwhile death is the total opposite. Once you're dead you can no longer experience anything and your body is at rest.

It's often hard to forget someone who gave you so much to remember but you must keep in mind that the person is no longer in pain. You can now have some type of peace in your heart about that.