Memories my aunt left behind

Beneath her beautiful

Beneath her beautiful was a soul drained to the point of no return.
Truth is no one knew what she'd go through on her day to day basis because she always managed to keep a smile on that beautiful face of hers.

We have so many beautiful souls vanishing the earth . Some with so little time to experience life, others who've already witnessed the worst of the worst. I use to pray every night for my Aunt those to live to see 100 years.

It's so hard not to break down in tears when you've heard the person she was to the person she had become. A runner to a zombie, a happy person to someone so sad and depressed. If I could've wished upon a star and my wish would come through, I'd wish upon a star to see my Aunt again. To see her smile, to hear her voice, to feel her touch. I would give up anything to experience those again.

I remember the day before she passed, I was sitting in her hospital room just admiring her beauty as she slept. She slept a lot during her weak days because that's something cancer had on her. It had taken over her body completely. I remember just sitting there and in the midst of me admiring her she popped those big old gray eyes open and stared at me. It had scared me a little and made me smile. When she noticed that I was staring she turned her head the other way. I guess she never wanted me to see her in that condition.

My aunt was so secretive with her life, even the smallest things she would keep to herself . Sometimes I never mind but other times I wish that she would've opened up. Even up to her departure with us she was still secretive.

Writing about her is not an easy task but just remembering the person she was makes me feel so warm inside. I never knew that I could've loved someone so much more than I love myself. She taught me a lot from never depending on someone to accepting people for who they truly are. My Aunt had the biggest heart. She would always help others, giving herself off unselfishly. No matter the hour, if you called her she was coming. I remember on Sunday's or any other day of the week, if Auntie asked Grammy if she ate and the answer was no , she would either cook or purchase food and carry to her sister ; whether it was 10 at night or 2 in the morning she would be right there to the rescue.

Many nights she came out of her bed to help others . I remember being stranded at work with no one else to get me. I dialed my Aunt's number and asked and she came, sacrificing her lunch break for me. Many days she jeopardized her job for us and we were so selfish, never thinking about it, only ourself .

I could never forget that time when my mom was in the hospital, my aunt was the only one up and down getting hospital items and making sure that my mom would've been okay. My aunt looked out for everyone's health and everyone's life but when it came to hers everyone looked out too late.

I miss those late night dinners, I miss making fruit juices and smoothies with her, I miss watching television with her, I miss those Saturday and Sunday drives, those pep talks about life and what it had to offer, I miss going to church with her but more importantly I miss her. Life hasn't been quite easy since she left.

It's sad how we spent our entire life thinking we couldn't live without her and going with the mindset that we couldn't imagine our life without her and then we had to. Life changed so quickly and in a heart beat it gave us no other option but to live our life without her. She put us in a position to survive without her. It hasn't been easy as yet but we're working on it day by day.

I thought letting her go was the hardest part but it turns out that it's missing her that's become the hardest of them all. I never thought that missing someone would cause so much pain. September 7th will make it a year since she left us and it still feels like everything happened just yesterday. The most hardest thing next to missing her is trying to forget her last days with us. I want so badly to forget about it and the pain she went through. It still breaks my heart knowing that I couldn't do anything for her when she needed me the most. The only thing I could've done was watch her, watch her wither away. Watching her struggle to breathe through a tube, to sit up on her own , to use the restroom, to even eat was hard.

Why? Why couldn't I help her when she needed me the most ? Why couldn't I protect her like she protected me? Why couldn't I had been her backbone like she was mine? I'm stuck and there's no call on Auntie anymore. It's either you find a way or be stranded all your life.

I thank God for allowing me to have met someone as strong as her. Someone who sacrificed her self for everyone else and never looked back for a blessing. Anything she wanted she got. A woman so full of energy and enthusiasm. I am at least proud to say I was blessed with a real life angel. I will forever brag about the awesome woman that she was and every child that is born into our family will know about the lovely angel that she was and how if she was still present in the flesh she would've loved them unconditionally.

My Aunt loved kids and she loved and wanted the best for all of her grand nieces and nephews. In fact she wanted the best for the whole family, including her oldest sister. She always talked about the lovely woman her sister had become and always bragged about the many things her sister did for her. My aunt was grateful to have had the opportunity to give back to her sister and brothers for taking great care of her.

My Aunt was unfortunate to have loss both parents during her young years but was greatly blessed to have had loving siblings who cared for her and would have never placed her in harms way. If that's not love then I don't know what is.