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My Teacher is a Closet Lesbian

Link of the story: http://www.wattpad.com/31366568-my-teacher-is-a-closet-lesbian [external link available]

Author's Link: http://www.wattpad.com/user/Christa_Renz

Brief Summary: Saya, a smart and top-notch kid decide to live away from her hometown for high school in a co-ed institution in Tokyo. She moved to a one-room dorm house about one train ride away from her school. She chose that dorm because it's cheap and it's just nearby. Never she know that she would be sharing the place with her teacher (named Eri) and if she would know of it...she'll soon realize that she has to live with a closet lesbian. A twisted love story between a smart young girl and a discreet mature lesbian will rise and spark. A secret love affair is about to happen. Read and you will see.

Author's description of her story: Simple but nice

Reviews: 

Bad news first before good news huh, bear with me.

Some articles (A, An, The) were lacking, some are even misplaced. I'm strict when it comes to this, because no matter how small presence they seem to give, still they are important part of your sentence. Imagine a human body without feet, how could it walk? The logic is just somewhat similar to that. Hope you get what I mean. 

I don't know if this was cause by my sleepiness or imagination but some consecutive parts appear to me like a ryhme or a lyrics of a rap song. Avoid using similar words as subjects consecutively. Try consulting a thesaurus, or use pronouns for they exist for such reason. Though I also suggests to avoid using similar consecutive pronouns. Commonality of words lessens the appeal of the contexts presented. It may bored your readers, which is not good for us as writers.

I don’t consider emoticons to be a disadvantage, especially in tagalog stories, but to the kind of story you have moreover, it is english, I suggests that you must avoid putting such, because the way you describe the background of events is already enough to let the readers imagine the faces of the people around. 

Here's the good part,

It has a good plot. It kept me interested since the start.  All I can say is that it is not cliché, and I adore stories like that since they got originality. I like your idea, it seems to me that you've combine two or probably three worlds which were used to be separated into one. While reading, it made me say This story has a potential. I'm sure that if more people will get to read your story, they will most likely praise you for creating such. It is well-made, few grammar errors, with good sentence constructions. Settings, and other side events are well described and explained. I can clearly see the picture of the world you are trying to express. 

We will be glad if you let us review more of your stories in the future,

I like writers like you, you possess the magic known as...originality. 

Hope this helps. Ganbatte neh.

- Hihyo_Sejuru