A Jacob Black Love Story

This Pervert is Killing Me With Pick Up Lines

"My lips are skittles. Wanna taste the rainbow?"
  "Jacob."
  "Do you work on a chicken farm? You sure know how to raise a cock."
"Jacob."
"Are you toilet paper? Cause I'll let you touch my butt."
"JACOB!!!"
He glares at me. "What?!"
I scowl. "I already told you that I was sorry like a thousand times. Why are you still trying to kill me with perverted pick up lines?"
He chuckles. "You think they're perverted?"
I nod. "So will you stop?"
"Fine."
"Seriously?"
"No."
"Sorry, sorry, sorry!" I groan. "How many times do I have to say sorry?"
"You led me to thinking that we were gonna get dirty and locked me in that fucking closet with Edward," he practically growls out at me. "Now that bloodsucker knows what my junk looks like!"
I roll my eyes. "You're being dramatic, Jake."
He sighs. "Okay, you're forgiven. I can never stay mad at you, Kitty." I grin but after a few seconds he adds, "Jk."
I frown. "But Puppy!"
"Blimey if you lose your head soon."
"Puppy!"
"Kitty!" He mimics me, shooting me his infamous smirk. "Now who is the dramatic one?"
I gasp. "You got my voice totally wrong!"
He sticks his tongue out at me. "Nuh uh."
"Yeah."
"Nay."
"Yay."
"Nay."
"Yay."
"Yay."
"Nay."
My jaw drops as soon as I realize what I just said. "You're a jerk,"  I mutter.
He cackles with laugher. "And you're stupid."
"Pervert."
"Dork."
"Dick."
"Ouch." He places a hand on his chest and feigns a hurt look. "Damn you burned me, Tessa. Where's the ice?"
I laugh and give him my best Bambi eyes. "So am I forgiven?"
He smiles. "Only under one condition."
"Okay."
"Let me tell you my best pick up lines."
I sigh in defeat and lie down on his bed and he jumps in next to me. "Fine. Go ahead."
"I'll treat you like my homework. I'll slam you on the table and do you all night long."
I break down info guffaws. "What the hell? That sounds violent!"
He winks at me, nuzzling his face in the crook of my neck. "I thought that being violent turns girls on. Does it turn you on?"
My cheeks heat up at that and he laughs. "Shut up and tell me your next pick up line."
"Are you Medusa? Cause you're making me hard as stone."
I roll my eyes. "Yeah, right. I'm not even doing anything."
He smirks, pulling me close to his chest. "You don't have to. Just thinking of you gets me horny."
"You're such a flirt," I say with a laugh.
"Only for you, Kitty." He kisses my forehead. "Do you want to see how hard you're getting me?"
My jaw drops as my cheeks go all red. I bury my face into his chest, feeling it vibrate as he laughs.
"Do you like when pants are on sale? In my room, they'd be 100% off."
"You're not really changing my opinion about you being a pervert."
He chuckles. "But I'm your pervert."
I groan. "You disgust me."
"I try. Thanks for noticing my hard work."
I roll my eyes. "No problem."
"Are you a cowgirl? I think you'd look totally good riding me."
"Jacob!" I punch his chest. "That one was too inappropriate for my innocent ears."
He smirks. "We had sex two days ago. How can you be innocent?"
I narrow my eyes at him. "If you don't shut up, I'll crush you and your ballsack."
He laughs. "Do you mind taking off your clothes? Out of curiosity, I want to see how angels hide their wings."
"Curiosity kills the cat."
  "I'm so tall, you don't have to get on your knees."
I burst out laughing. "That one was weird."
He grins at me. "You're body is a wonderland, and I'd like to be Alice."
I smirk. "Then you'd lose your dick."
He frowns. "Oh."
I peck his cheek. "And then I won't have to take your dick off."
"Are you spaghetti? Because I think it's time for you to meat my balls."
"That I'll chop off if you even try chopping my head off," I say with a sweet smile.
Pretending as if he never heard me, he says, "Roses are red, pickles are green, I like your legs, what's in between?"
"Google it," I mutter as I feel my cheeks flames up.
"Aww, you're blushing," he coos, pinching my cheeks.
I swat his hands away. "Shut up!"
"They call me coffee because I grind so fine."
My face turns red when he grinds his hips against me.
"Are you a sea lion? Because I can sea you lion in my bed later."
I flick his nose. "I hate you."
"I love me, too."
"Shut up."
He laughs. "Okay, just one more."
I sigh in defeat. "Fine."
"How do you spell the word me?"
I roll my eyes. "M-e."
He winks. "You forgot the D."
"But there's not a D in me," I say, feeling confused.
"Not yet." He presses himself up against me suggestively.
My eyes widen. "Jacob, you pervert! Why would you make me say that?!"
He laughs. "Stupid."
I scowl. "Perv."
"Dork."
"Asshole."
"I'd lick yours for you."
I slap his chest. "Jake!"
He chuckles at my reaction. "I don't need to be a waterbender to get you wet."
I glare at him. "Yes you do."
"You can call me Nemo because I'm never afraid to touch the butt." I squeal in surprise when his hand squeezes my butt cheek.
I swat his hand away. "Don't touch a lady's butt without permission. It's rude."
He laughs at that and I yelp when he spanks me.
"Ow!" My butt burns now. "Screw you, Jacob."
He smirks. "Gladly."
I groan. "Cocky bastard."
"Bitch."
"Weirdo."
"Tessa?" Jacob murmurs and I turn my head, gasping in surprise when our noses touch. "You're so beautiful that  when I see your face, I wouldn't change a thing."
Holy mother of Jesus.
Heat floods to my cheeks, and my eyes widen when I see that our lips are only inches shy from touching. This is definitely a dream. It has to be.
Wake up, Tessa!
Oh, for Christ sake, just pinch yourself. No. That'll ruin the moment.
And nothing can ruin this perfect moment.
"Except the direction I'm walking in," Jacob adds with a smug smirk on his face.
I stiffen at that and my hand automatically raises to smack his arm.
"Your face was priceless!" He lets out a bark of laughter. "You were blushing so much!"
I glare at him. Two can play this game.
He visibly gulps when he sees my threatening expression. "Tessa? Why are you looking at me like that?"
Instead of replying, I press my hand against his face, clamping down my fingers like I'm going to claw his skin off. And that's exactly what I wanna do. Cue the evil laughter.
"Ow, get off!" He latches his hands around my wrist and attempts to free his face as I punish him for being an annoyingly cute douchebag. "Tessa! Damn it, my nose!"
I laugh evilly and retract my hand from his face. Automatically, his hand shoots up to rub the skin I just flicked.
"Go screw yourself," he grunts.
I wink at him. "Gladly," I say, imitating his voice.
His jaw drops. "God, I hate you."
I blow him a seductive kiss. "The feeling is mutual."