Love, Life and Uncertainities

Unsent Letter

I had taken Zain's advice seriously: I began writing. I was writing it all out, but still it was more for me then anyone else. Writing, for your own self, is the first step. I was ready to let  him go; I wanted everything that I had kept bottled up inside me, to flow out, wash away.

It wasn't an easy task. These were unsaid feelings of many years and my tongue was oblivious to the taste of saying them out loud, of confessing them to that person.

I never understood before why they say, its better to have loved and lost then to never say it...
But I do now...
Unsaid feelings become a heavy burden, a burden that weighs your soul and heart down, so much that sometimes it gets difficult to breathe.
Then sometimes it feels like you are about to break down or burst open, but you have to keep it all inside. You look fine on the exterior. But pulling out this act, kills you inside.

There is something strange about human nature and the feelings themselves, they need to be heard, they deserve to be heard. They are like flowing water, someday quietly streaming and other days on a rage. They want to be released out of the cage of human chest. That's exactly what I had been feeling for many years now. I never told him how my lonely life had came to a new life when he had entered my house with his pet dog, all those years ago. I had no one to talk to and then all of a sudden, there was spring all around. My eyes knew no one, but him, only him to look up to. I never told him how much he meant to me, how much he hurt me. I needed to say it out, write it out somewhere.

I madly looked for some pen, in the drawer, by the bedside table, anywhere. I found it in my bag, I wiped my cheek and went for the page, though it would never reach him but I had to say it to him, somewhere,  even if that only place was my head or the piece of that paper. So I rubbed my eyes clean and began writing...

Dear Sam,

I hope that you could read it, but you wouldn't and you would never know it, this silence, this time of noon is quite like my feelings for you, in more ways than one... this sunlight, in this last week of November is as mild as the memories of our time together...it stays, doesn't go away. Yet it never increases or decreases, it just stays, where it is. This time of the day is as stagnant and empty as I have grown over years, though it seems to be moving to the world, but it never really does...

Maybe, now I know what I felt for you, may be I did love you...but I realize that maybe, now its too late for it...there are just a lot of "may be's" left now...
Whatever it is, now I breathe in it, its with me and within me...like some fragrance that I keep hidden...
I know there was a time when world talked about us, they were 'too worried' about us, when we could still be seen in the same frame...
Haah...now its something unimaginable, who can imagine I still think about you ? No one, for I keep a very good cover. I m sure everyone is contented now.
But the truth is I think about you more than I ever have... these years of silence between us, have everyday made me realize this, but it is too late now
The truth is, back then I never felt so strongly for you... its only now that I do that...
I don't know from where these years of silence have crept between us... though we are not miles away, but it feels like it
Now I don't know for months, what you would be doing, how you are going through life... or how tough it is for you now, though I hear it from people, you are growing, struggling... you have grown so busy
Life has changed...Now all I can ever get from you is one solemn look in months, one moment of 'saying nothing at all'...
I know we have to go farther away, this talk is pointless now... but sometimes I look so desperately to cell phone, a single text someday, now even it seems like a dream, sometimes I want you to say something, anything, anything but this silence... but I would never ask for it, I am too proud to ask...
Sun has gone down now, its chilling my foot, so I have brought socks out and pulled them on, yet it has not made a difference... well its an empty Friday evening...nothing on this weekend or Monday. White bare walls of this room are really odd. I need to turn this light off so I wont see them, but I can't... they give a strange restricting feeling...
You know I still remember the evening when you were waiting on the terrace, on the shivering night of winters, outside our door when we were gone somewhere and you had brought coffee to make, just because I had mentioned it once. My blood had rushed to my face when gran'pa told me that you were waiting back home. Though now it seems like you never cared, but reminding these moments make me think otherwise...It was a very small gesture though, but I don't know why it mattered, may be because it was a small sign that in someway I mattered to you too...Oh, how it seems like its someday from a while ago, when actually its more than 6, 7 years ago in past, or may be 10 ...?
Its like this time and space is only valid in this mortal, material world. World of heart, knows no "time and space" its free of it. It pauses where it wants and keeps it preserved, we stay there, at same place for years and yet time doesn't pass in that world.
...and that moment when you kept humming the same song in the car that I was humming too...when on that same shivering night we sat on the snooker table, in the only light of moon and you kept reading stupid text messages to me  ...like you were making poor attempts to tell me something and you were never good at that, but I don't know why, whenever you struggled to say something and horribly failed, I found it so much adorable...
No matter how much time has gone, you are still the same for me, the same when I was six years old, when you would come to our home and I would run to you like some crazy child, who didn't know what was that surge of happiness all about, when I hugged you back then. I still can feel that in my chest, that familiar ache, its there...though it was lost in the fog of growing up, in noise of people all around. But now, when I have shut them all out, its visible, there is no fog now, but its a little late for that now, a little too much late...
          I wish you all the happiness for your new life, though you don't need my wishes...

Take care,
Yours Sari.

I folded the paper twice, like some letter is supposed to be and put it in my bag's inside pocket. Zain had convinced me that writing it all out will get the unsaid things, that burden off my chest, that it would help me let it go. He said it was like diving in the depth of the ocean; you need to drown yourself first, completely let go of yourself there and then only you can swim back to the shore and let go of that 'ocean' you left behind.

He was sure that it  would   make me let it all go, let him go, but what he didn't know was that first I had to 'drown' , dive back to the core of those memories and that my stay there, before I come back if I ever do, might be longer than he expected...
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A/N: I uploaded it only for you Ceebs, love you :p