Behind the Tears of War

Chapter 16

Not much time had passed by since we'd gotten Jay to the infirmary. He was now in surgery, doctors working as quickly as possible to get the bullet between his shoulder and collarbone removed, and then stitched back up before the anesthetics wore off. There was no doubt about it, he was probably going to be high on painkillers for the next couple of weeks. Although, Matt, Katrina, and I were all sitting in the waiting room silently, not even daring to say one word. Matt was restless, his leg shaking vigorously with his hands in his hair while looking down at his lap not meeting my eyes. It was as if I wasn't even there, as if I'd never existed. I guess you could say it was ace to say our trip had probably been delayed.

"Matt." I whispered shakily, pulling his chin up to meet my eyes. I didn't say anything once his gaze met mine, all I did was wrap my arms tightly around him. Although he just shrugged me off and pulled my arms away from him, and leaned his head into his hands breathing almost forcibly. Confused I scrunched my eyebrows together and did the best I could not to think about the numb pain searing at my chest. "He's going to be okay, Matt." I reassured, this time forcing myself to keep my distance, remembering how he had pushed me off of him.

His head shot up, his eyes full of fear, of sadness, and of regret. "That's complete bullshit and you know it Destiny." His voice was rising. "How could you know everything going to be oh so perfect? Nothing has been going right these past couple of days! How could you possibly know that Jay is going to be fine? Nothing has ever been fine! Not since this whole thing started five years ago." He dropped his gaze to the floor, his leg shaking vigorously. I saw a slim tear fall down his face, it was little bit just enough me me too notice. Hesitantly, I reached out to wipe it away, but he just slapped my hand and gave me a harsh glare. "Don't touch me." He growled.

I jumped back, not knowing what to do, I'd never seen this side of Matt before. I shook my head and looked over to my little sister who had been staring at us the whole time. Her eyes were wide with shock, and she wrapped her arms around herself. I looked back to Matt, and I felt like my heart was shattered. "Matt, please." I whispered, not knowing what to do.
"No you don't understand anything, you don't know what I saw Destiny. I may know everything about you, but you sure as hell don't know anything about me." Matt didn't look at me the whole time. His voice felt like a dagger to the chest, and yet it was so quiet only I was able to hear it.

"I could try to understand Matt, but that's just not something you ask someone to tell you." I whispered, knowing that something had to have happened, seeing as he'd been on his own all these years. "When could anyone find the right time to ask that? I always thought you'd tell me when you were ready." I didn't even notice the rising of my voice. "I wasn't going to push anything you weren't ready to tell me on you." I whispered feeling jittery.

"All you ever care about is yourself Destiny. You never think that sometimes you not being here in Rasnic would be safer for everyone here." His voice was harsh and his eyes held a type of fierceness I'd only seen him use on his enemies. I felt like I'd been hit in the side.

"Do you really think that?" I whispered hearing the quiet break in my voice. "Do you really think that I'm only ever thinking about myself?"

"If it weren't for you, Clarissa wouldn't be dead right now, there would have never been a attack, if you hadn't freaked out earlier, I would've been with Jay and we wouldn't be here right now, and as for your mom she-" I stood there and took all of it, it was all true, until then, he'd gone too far.

"I couldn't stop that Matt! I couldn't do anything about it, all I could do was stand there and watch them kill my mom," I choked on a cry and shook my head as he tried to grab my hand.

"I didn't mean that, oh god I didn't mean any of that." Matt whispered, and tried to pull his arms around me.
I jumped up and grabbed Katrina's hand, tears falling down my face the whole time I was walking away from him. I didn't look to my little sister, I was afraid of the expression she may have been wearing. Before I grabbed the door, I turned, not attempting to hide the tears falling down my cheeks. "And for the record, the only reason I never left was because of you. I didn't want to leave you, and this is what I got in return." I shook my head seeing the hurt expression in Matt's face before I swung the door open and marched out without another word.