Behind the Tears of War

chapter 19

I jolted awake breathing heavily, yet I did not scream. My body was soaked with sweat, and I felt as if I had run a marathon. I pulled myself up and was a little more relieved to find Katrina lying right next to me, her breathing a quiet rhythm that filled the silent room. I sighed quietly and tousled her hair a little before pulling myself out of the bed. Sure I was tired, but there was no way that I could go back to sleep after that. When I was up, I rubbed my forehead to rid of the stress that weighed heavy on my head. Then I slipped on my heavy hunting boots and opened the door to the room silently without taking one simple glance back to Katrina.

Light barely consumed the hallways as I made my way into the kitchen still massaging the temple of my forehead. All I wanted to do was run for Matt, the image of how he'd looked in that dream still burning in my head. I couldn't do that though, he hated me and probably didn't want anything to do with me anymore. Why though? Why did it seem like no matter what I did he wouldn't escape my mind. I pulled out a seat at the counter and just stared at the bowl of fruit in front of me. I was so hungry but I didn't want to eat, all I wanted was to curl up in a ball somewhere in a corner and cry. But I was just so much stronger than that, I knew I wouldn't get any better just laying around all day. Life had to go on, whether all the people I had one loved were there with me or not.

"Eat something why don't ya?" A deep voice rang from the hallway. I jumped a little at the voice then turned to meet a pair of dark hazel Brown eyes which belonged to General Evan. I forced a smile, God knew I wanted to ask about Jay but that wasn't something I could just bring up.

"No thanks Evan." I said quietly, not feeling the urge to eat. Though I did know it would be wise to do so seeing as I'd be leaving sometime and Probably wouldn't have the best amount of food for the days ahead.

"Really you're getting skinny, get some meat on your bones." Evan chuckled, elbowing me as he slid into the seat beside mine. I rolled my eyes while running my fingers through my hair not saying anything to him. I hadn't really eaten since I'd found out about my mom, and I didn't think I was going to feel the urge of wanting to eat for awhile. "I know it's hard, but don't do this to yourself." Ann's husband said noticing how bad I probably looked. I only shook my head not wanting to say anything. I didn't need his pity. He sucked in a deep breath as if he were trying to figure out a way to get me to talk.

"Matt's been awake all night you know." he said more as a questions than a statement.

"Nothing I wouldn't know, how's Jay doing anyway?" I muttered quietly not wanting to think about it, not wanting to remember the look on his face or the fire in his sapphire orbs. It hurt to see him hate me the way he did. It hurt to think that he never wanted to see me again. It hurt to know he wanted me to leave. Though I still wanted to forgive him, to run right back into his stupid arms. I knew that I couldn't do that whether he wanted me to do that or not.

"Jay's doing just fine, he's up and moving, but he won't be holding a gun for awhile that's for sure." Evan chuckled standing up to grab something from the pantry near the back door that led out of the kitchen.

"Though that's not what I meant. Matt was with Jay long enough to know that he was fine, then he left. He's been looking everywhere for you."

I felt like my heart was going to explode. "He hasn't you know, come down here has he?" My throat was dry thinking of Matt coming this way just looking for me. I couldn't Look at him, because if I did, I knew I would forgive him. I felt like I was stuck but, what could I do? It wasn't my fault that Matt acted the way he did. It had to be true for him to even remotely think it though, but was that Matt? Why would he even say that to me? We hadn't been in a argument in years, and it was my fault last time; I felt like he'd been ignoring me since he joined the army force. When I tried to talk to him about it he just blew up telling me that he was trying as hard as he could, and that it wasn't my place to tell him what to do. This was different though.